God er, Dog
by Mice
Summary: Bobby Drake takes a trip to Los Angeles after his cousin dies and Jubilee is soon to follow after him. Part of the "Everyone Says I Love You" series.
1. God er, Dog, pt 1

Author's Note: Only thing to be aware of ... I took Jubilee to the micro-brewery. She would not allow me to write her as "13 1/2", she complained that the only time she got to be older in a fan fic was if she was pursuing Logan in an adult fic or running the X-Men. She wanted a break and to just be a dumb, mature teen and not a goofy adolescent. I owe her at least that much ... Also, sorry about the serial format; I thought this was going to be a short story, but it evolved on me. Damn evolution, before long, I'll have an ape instead of a story...

**Standard Mice Disclaimer**

Mice is in no way associated with the Marvel Comics Group. She is merely trying to write a story and this is all she has to show for it. A noble effort. Though she would one day like to be paid for writing, please don't send her any money (send mail to urmonkeyifudo@yeahright.com on instructions to send her money). The characters of Bobby Drake and Jubilee, belong to the Marvel Comics Group. Holland, Jacob, Bert, Cliff, and Nan are of my own mind. Any archiving of this story that is unaware of her attention will be ily received (Read: Tikki Curse). If you e-mail her, explain your intentions to archive the story and address of your archive, she will be more than gracious and will probably do something nice for you, like bake you brownies, not to mention archiving the story. She just wants to know where she can drool over the sight of her name. If you want to e-mail her comments, do it at esily@aol.com. You'll also get some brownies out of the deal, but it's not really that great of a reward because she can't cook.

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God ... er, Dog, Chapter 1

by Mice

-1-

"Who will sa-ay-ave your soul, if you won't say hello...li, li, le li li..."

If there is any justice in the universe, it would kill me now.

What is it about airplane music? I mean, in the past hour, I've heard Kiki Dee's "I've Got the Music in Me" five times, not to mention this song to commit suicide to. And this is the only station that's halfway decent; I'm not about to listen to country, if I wanted to hear classical, I would have stayed at home, but the air traffic report is sounding more and more appetizing by the yodel...

I could have been at home right now; relaxing in my fuzzy slippers and blasting my Goo Goo Dolls CD to bother Guthrie's studying habits.

Yeah, right.

The official reason I'm on the plane is that my partner in crime needs me.

Unofficially, though...

-2-

"Nana, I really wish you would be a bit more cordial..." Nan Bass spat at her granddaughter. "When I get to watch some real television and not this A&E crap, we'll talk about my behavior." Nan folded her arms. "I just happen to mention that I like _Biography_, and now it's the only station I'm allowed to watch. What, is C-SPAN too racy for me, now? Peter Graves isn't bad on the eyes, but Hal Sparks from _Queer as Folk_ is quite the looker, you know."

"Nana..."

"How am I supposed to get my jollies by looking at Trent Lott all day?"

"Nana!"

"Don't take that tone of voice with me, Jacqueline--"

"I'm Holland."

Nan looked darkly towards her granddaughter. "Are you talking back to me, Jacqueline?"

Holland made her hands into fists and dug her nails into her flesh as hard as she could to get out some of her frustration. "Just correcting you, Nana. No one is even named 'Jacqueline' in our family."

Correcting you for the nine billionth time, that is, she added mentally.

"I know that, I'm not as senile as you'd like me to be, Jacqueline."

Holland could feel all the veins in her head throbbing as she began to move out of the room. "If that's all, Nana, I have to go pick up Gilberto."

Nan squinted her eyes at her granddaughter coldly. "You are dismissed."

Holland nodded her head and made her way to the hallway, and miraculously made it through without throwing a single vase or smashing a single picture frame. "What on earth possessed me to agree to take care of this woman..." She slumped herself into one of the hideously patterned wing back chairs in the house and tried to fight back the unexpected emotions stirring inside of her. "I hate this house, I hate her, I hate this city, I hate this state, I hate this family, I--"

Holland's attention broke as she heard a knock from the screen door. "Dad?"

She checked her eyes out in a mirror by the entry table before opening the door, and when she did, her jaw dropped when she saw the man standing outside.

"I cannot believe your timing, Bobby."

-3-

You know, I'll never understand why people think LAX is a nightmare. Been here several times, never had much of a problem. It's just like a ton of little airports in one great big one. Guthrie was being really paranoid about letting me barrow her leather duffel bag, like it was going to be sent to Bermuda or St. Petersburg.

But then, Guther's has giving me a lot of flack for doing this whole thing. I thought that out of anybody, she'd understand the most, having a gigabyte of siblings and what not. I guess she doesn't see how I could possibly bond with people who are not blood. I try to argue with her that it's not blood, it's just sperm, but then her cheeks flush in embarrassment of the word. Paige is trying to convince us all that she is the ultimate prude. I'm her roomie. I know better. But that's another story.

Paige said she understood my relationship with Wolverine. Know it all. I don't even understand it most of the time, so how can a simple hick?

She also complains that I like the X-Men more than Generation X. And, if I may be blunt with myself, I do. It's like everybody on this team hates each other or can just barely stand each other. We're more like acquaintances than actual friends ... actual teammates. I mean, the X-Men took in Magneto and treated him friendlier than we treat each other! Well, at least they did to the clone formerly known as Joseph.

I have been busting my hump to try and get our team to have the bond the X-Men do, and after all this time ... it just seems so fruitless. Angelo is practically counting down to the day he's checking out. Jono is trying to get into the Guinness Book of World Records for "Most Consecutive Days Brooding" -- a title that is held by Scott, so he has some mighty angsting to do yet. Monet is ... Monet. Paige and I have a Felicitous relationship -- she's Felicity to my Megan.

And Ev. I thought that Ev and I were going to stick like glue to each other, but whenever he gets interested in a girl, he just ditches me.

Yeah, sure. We're going to be future X-Men, all right. The closest we'll come is Ev's Xavier-like head.

-4-

Holland resisted the urge to smack her cousin's smug face. "Not even here for five minutes and already you're insulting -- Wait, what are you even doing here? Nana is going to be fine, I'm taking care of her--"

Bobby turned around to face his cousin. "My cousin just passed away and you ask what I'm doing here?! And I'm here to liberate Nana; you probably have her on some sort of Nazi regime..."

"You Catholic pig!"

"I'm not Catholic!!" Or anything, Bobby added silently.

"Well, you're fascist father is, and if anybody is a Nazi in this family, it's him!"

Bobby remained eerily calm for a few seconds as the words lingered in the air. Finally, after what seemed an eternity to Holland, he spoke frigidly. "You have no right to judge the Drakes, Holland. You haven't even seen any of us in five years, and I would have been glad to never see you again for the rest of my life, but after Cliff..." Bobby trailed off and took a few moments to collect himself. "And Mom has been so worried about her mom after she took that fall--"

Holland broke in, interrupting her cousin's emotional outpour. "Then why isn't Aunt Maddy here and you are?"

"Because Mom is taking care of my father, who, I might add, is no more a Nazi than the Pope, and if I ever hear you say another word about my father, I swear that I will smack you so hard, Holland..."

Bobby and Holland just stared at one another until Nan called from her room. "Jaqueline? Do I have a visitor?"

Holland forced a smile, while keeping a steady gaze on Bobby. "It's just the Drake boy, Nana."

"My Maddy's little boy?" Nan's voice broke.

"Unless there's another one I don't know about!"

"Well, why aren't you letting him come in to see me, or do you not want me to see any part of my family?"

Holland lowered her voice so that only Bobby could hear. "You are so lucky that I have to go pick up Gilberto. You know where Nana is." She began to turn to leave when she added, "And whatever you're thinking, don't!"

"What does that mean?"

Holland placed her hands on her hips and huffed. "It means whatever sort of stunt or prank you're thinking of pulling on me, forget it. I have enough stress in my life right now without adding you to it."

Bobby began to raise his hand to make a point when and Holland smacked it down. "Don't tell me you weren't thinking it. I spent a whole summer with you at my father's cabin and I know what you're capable of." Holland left the sentence in the air and her eyes burning on his, even after she slammed the door and he heard her engine start up

Bobby took a few moments, to make sure she was gone before, "Damn, I'd be uptight too if I named my kid after the Frito Bandito."

-4-

My relationship with Bobby is probably one of the most ... normal. In the mansion, most of my friendships were based on surrogate fathers and mothers, but Bobby is the only one who I feel like is just a friend. I have a similar thing with Hank, but he's more like my wacky uncle. With Bobby, I can just hang out. Our personalities just get each other. He understands what it's like to never be taken seriously. C'mon, with a multiple Ph. D. best friend, who's going to look at the frozen lollipop for counsel?

I remember when we got the Xavier Five in the mansion; I pulled this nasty prank on Jean that I'm not allowed to talk about, as per the court settlement, but after the prank, I remember her beginning to yell at Bobby, and he kept denying and denying, and she kept accusing and accusing ... finally, she saw me snickering and looked at the two of us and said, "You two deserve each other!"

I guess everyone sees us as a pair of jokers and pranksters, and I'll admit, we do our fair share, and that's the only side people seem to want to see of Jubilation Lee and Bobby Drake. And because of that, nobody else takes us seriously except each other.

-5-

"Hey, Nana!"

"Come here, Robert," his Nana beckoned. He slowly made his way to her side, to which she kissed the top of his head. "What day is it?"

"Uhm, Thursday."

"Good. Turn the t.v. to channel forty four."

Bobby did as she said and a country music jamboree blared on the screen. Silence passed.

"How's your mother, Robert?"

"Mom's good ... taking care of Dad."

Silence.

"How's school?"

"School's good. I graduated a while back, actually. I do a bit of teaching, now."

"What kind of teaching?"

"Just some accounting classes."

"You've only been out of school for a few years, how can you teach?"

"I just do a few guest lectures, is all."

"Do you make any money from it?"

"No, I just do it because it's a change."

"Hmmph..."

Silence.

Bobby looked around nervously. "Well, I got to, uh, go to the bathroom, Nana, so--"

"Well, why the hell are you telling me? Nature called, no need to broadcast it on the p.a. system. Go, Robert."

Bobby made his way out, and once in the safety of the bathroom muttered, "This has been the nicest visit to date..."

Bobby looked around the bathroom while relieving himself. The walls where covered with pictures of _Blues Clues_, and Blue seemed to be staring at him. "No, this doesn't feel perverted at all..." he remarked as casually as he could. He began to wash his hands with the official _Blues Clues _soap and dried them on a towel which had a winking Blue on it. "Kinky."

Bobby made his way back to his grandmother's room very slowly, taking in anything the might be of interest. "Ooh, ceramic bulldog..."

Anything.

"Nana? I'm home!" Bobby winced as he heard his cousin's voice. 'This is goddamn California!' he began to rant silently to himself. 'It takes an three different freeways and a good half hour to get to your neighbors house, how can she be home already? Bobby stayed frozen in place, contemplating the pros and cons of going into either the living room or back to Nana's room, until something hit his leg.

"Oof."

Bobby looked down and found a very small boy with huge brown eyes and a mess of a dark brown afro staring up at him. "I guess you're Gilberto."

The boy just stared up.

Bobby reached down to give the boy a hand up, but wound up picking him up. "How old are you, Freddie "Boom Boom" Washington??"

No response except for the boys small arms wrapped themselves around his neck.

"He's tired. Not that he talks much, anyways." Bobby turned to see his cousin, who was carrying a bag that would match the bathroom.

"The kid is nuts about _Blues Clues_, isn't he?"

Holland nodded. "He thinks Steve is his dad."

Bobby gently rocked Gilberto. "Where is his dad?"

Holland shrugged.

Bobby nodded uncomfortably.

"And please don't nickname my kid after a Sweat Hog." She looked at her watch. "Now, I have to go start dinner; Dad'll be here any minute."

Bobby froze in place. "I didn't know Jacob was going to be here."

"Bobby, the man's son died, what did you think he was going to do?" Holland rolled her eyes as she began defrost some chicken.

"Sorry, I was just thinking weird there for a minute." Bobby shook the thought off.

"Jacqueline, where is my great-grandson!"

Holland gave a pleading look at Bobby.

"At least I'm going back in with reinforcements, right Bert?" Bobby patted his extended cousin's head and went into the hall.

"It's Gilberto, Bobby!" Holland called after him.

He gave a weak wave as he carried Bert upside down to his great-grandmother's room A few seconds later, she heard Nan. "There's my little Albert!"

"That's it, I'm poisoning the potatoes." Holland went back into the kitchen to wash the potatoes when she heard the door bell. "Coming, Dad!" Holland hurriedly threw off her apron and checked herself in the mirror next to the door before throwing it open and unlocked the screen door. "Daddy!"

"Uhm ... okay. Californian slang has SO changed since I was last here."

Holland peered at the petite pest. "Are you selling Girl Scout cookies or something?"

The girl opened her mouth, but stopped herself from saying what she was thinking. "Is there a Bobby Drake here?"

"And what's it to you, Lolita?"

The girl made a face. "Ew, Unibrow."

Holland touched the almost unibrow on her forehead protectively. "How do you know my cousin?"

"So, he is here -- I was hoping to beat him, but this is just as good." The girl opened the screen as Holland began to close the big door. Luckily, the girl's foot got caught between the big door and the doorway. "For the love of Mary, Tyler, and Moore--!!" 

Apparently, the term "luckily" was used a bit loosely.

Bobby Drake's ear's pricked up.

"Robert, what is that noise?"

"Well, Nana -- excuse me for a moment, Nana." Bobby began to rush out the door, but then turned back to set the still clinging Gilberto on Nan's bed. "Bert." Bobby swallowed the laughter building in his chest at the spectacle he saw in the living room. Jubilee battling his cousin for entrance into the house. "Oh if only the guys back home could see this, they would see that karma does exist..." he muttered before interrupting. "Let her in, Holland. She's a friend of mine."

"Picking up girl's at the local high school's now, Bobby? That's a new low for you, congratulations." Holland, scowling, let in a very jubiliant Jubilee in.

"Hey, Bobby, did you hear that?!"

"Dude, FINALLY! After all these years of being persecuted into pre-pubescence!"

Bobby gave Jubilee a high five.

"Now, this brings me to my next question, Jubilee..."

"Who the hell names their kid Jubilee?" Holland broke in.

"I would SO not be talking, Tulips," Jubilee snapped.

Holland began to ramble as she went back into the kichten. "Oh, God, and here I was hoping there was just ONE Bobby Drake ... now I know that there was enough left that God used it to create an annoying Korean teenager..."

"I'm CHINESE, thank you!" Jubilee shouted into the kitchen, then turned back to Bobby. "Does she have a mute button anywhere?"

Bobby shook his head. "Not a chance. Don't you think I would have used it already? Now, what are you doing here? You didn't sneak out to get away from finals, did you?"

"No, Hank called. Said he couldn't come here to be with you, and you know, 'Should the role of Bobby Drake's Best Friend be left vacant, second-runner up shall get a ride on the next plane'."

"You mean everyone else was busy?"

"Thank you, but I didn't ask for any ha and ha in my coffee."

"What are you, Will AND Grace?"

"Well, I always thought I was a gay man in a woman's body." Jubilee frowned. "Are you saying that you're not happy to see me?"

Bobby went out to hug her. "Of course not, J. I'm glad you're here. And not just to bug Holland." Bobby released her. "But, aren't you missing any important school stuff? I don't want you to fall behind on my account."

"Bobby, are you implying that we actually go to class once in a while?"

"No, just every 'a while'."

Jubilee grinned. "Don't worry, there is not a thing I'm missing, except for Frosty's summer wardrobe."

"Well, then I might have to take your spot just to see that!"

Jubilee hit him playfully. "Perv."

Bobby hit back. "Pixie."

"So, Bobby, how are--" Jubilee began, but was interrupted.

"Holland, Mom, I'm home!"

Bobby tensed.

"Who's that?"

"Jacob."


	2. God er, Dog, pt 2

God ... er, Dog, Chapter 2**  
**By Mice

-1-

Holland settled in next to her father in the parlor with a cup of coffee for him. "How long are you here for, Dad?"

Jacob smiled at his daughter and took her in his arms. "As long as you need me, Pork Chop."

Holland grinned.

Bobby resisted an urge to throw up. _Pork Chop_, he thought silently. _Who in the hell uses charred animal flesh for a pet name for their child?_

Jacob smiled pleasantly at his daughter and took her in his arms, providing an almost frightening contrast between the almost stunning beauty of his daughter and his own alarming plainness of forgettable blue eyes and almost gone ash blond and grey hair and a frame that wasn't quite chubby, but wasn't quite gaunt. 

Jubilee studied the this contrast and tried to find the slightest hint of Jacob Bass in his daughter and found none. So far, Jacob had been a pleasant and cordial figure in the house with intentions that were only genuine, but was twinged with a desperate need for acceptance.

As she began to imagine what Holland's mother was like, Bobby gently tapped her on the shoulder, taking her away from her thought process. "Jubilee, you barely ate anything, are you all right?"

Jubilee squirmed. "Yeah, I just wasn't very hungry."

"I'm sorry, Ju Ju Bee--"

"It's 'Jubilee', Windmills."

"That's what I said." Holland smiled. "Anyways, I should have been more sensitive to your dietary needs."

Jubilee squinted. "Huh?

"Well, just saying that you're probably used to a more 'fish and rice' diet than 'meat and potatoes' type meal."

Jubilee rolled her eyes. "Next thing you know, she'll be trading in my fork for chopsticks..."

Holland smiled smugly. "How funny, I was just going to make that offer!"

"Good. I can use them to stick up your--" A timely hand covered the loud mouth.

"Uh, I don't think that'll be necessary, Holland," Bobby hurried in because someone was nipping at his hand.

There was silence.

Then a fork dropped.

Someone picked it up.

A "thank you" was grunted.

A barely audible "welcome" followed it.

Jacob cleared his throat to end the uncomfortable interplay. "How are you feeling, Mom?"

"Fine, Son," Nan got in before she belched. "I'm sorry, I must be a bit gassy. Chicken does that to me."

Holland clicked her heels together. "there has to be another place better than home ... there has to be--"

"Oh, Holl's a fine cook, Mom! Just like her mother." Jacob kissed his daughter's head. "Remember your Aunt Hollis's cooking, Bobby?"

Bobby nodded weakly.

"It was good," Nana interjected, then leaned to Jubilee and whispered. "That is, if you didn't give a flip about your taste buds."

Jubilee stifled a giggle.

"Now, my Maddy can cook! Have you ever had her mashed potatoes, uh, what did you say your name was, young lady?"

"Jubilee."

"Right, Billie. Well, Maddy's potatoes taste like someone just plucked some angel, peeled it, mashed it up, and put it in a bowl, they are so good."

Holland grinned through clenched teeth. "Well, I think that I ought to get Gilberto to bed ... he's had quite a busy day with his uncle coming for a visit, meeting his cousin, and Michelle Kwan ... I'll help you get into bed soon, Nana--"

"Oh, don't worry, Jacqueline, Billie can do that for you."

"But--"

"Billie, would you mind?"

"Of course not, Mrs. Bass," Jubilee said cordially. "You go and take Bert to bed."

"His name is not Bert!!"

Jubilee put her hands on her hips. "You **cannot** expect me to call him 'Gilberto' with a straight face."

"But it's his--"

Nana got up. "Coming, Billie?"

Jubilee grinned. "Coming, Mrs. Bass."

Jubilee followed Nan to the hall, but not before she made a face at Holland.

"Dad, do you see what I go through with this family?"

Jacob gave his daughter another hug. "Holl, don't let her get to you ... she does the same to all of us, doesn't she, Bobby?"

Bobby shrugged. 

"Say, Pork Chop, I have an idea, why don't I help you put Gilberto to bed, okay?"

Holland nodded. "I'd like that very much, thank you Dad."

Jacob kissed the top of his daughter's head as they took Bert through the hall, leaving Bobby by himself in the parlor with an odd assortment of left over cups, saucers, and forks.

-2-

"Now, Holl, tell me what's on your mind?"

Holland began to pull back the _Blues Clue's _sheets and comforter back as her father helped Bert into his pajamas. "You know, people ask, "why me" every once in a while. I just don't understand why I have to do it every fifteen minutes. Taking care of Nan was never really an option for me; it was either I do it, or bounce over to another friend's crummy studio apartment, and I figure that Gilberto is a lot better off if he hears his mother and his not-so-great-grandmother squabble every now and then than listening to the couple upstairs fucking every three hours on a trampoline."

Jacob laid his grandson in his bed and gently covered his ears with his hands. "What about your brother, Pork Chop?"

"Well, Cliff did offer to take me and Gilberto in after he heard of the problems me and Nana were having, but I didn't want to interfere with his life. He had so much going for him, Dad, and I just didn't want to get in the way...I mean, what's a possible spot in a Gap ad compared to your older sister who got knocked and still can't get on her feet after almost five years?"

"You know he didn't--"

Holland ignored her father, content in her own little world of frustration. "What really makes all of this intolerable to me is that my entire situation came that damn thing, my vagina."

Jacob winced at the word and covered Gilberto's ears tighter.

"I know everyone in the family thinks I'm a slut, but before I got pregnant, I never slept with anyone, Dad...I mean, I know that I can barely hold my liquor -- I can't even use Listerine anymore because of the buzz it gives me, but that night, I just slipped..."

"Why?"

"I...don't even remember. I was just really upset and..." Holland let the thought trail off and focused her energy on her anger. "Some of my friends came up to me and began to tell me that it was "fate" and all that bull shit. I thought fate was supposed to be a force of good and get you out of hopeless situations.

"I hope they all have gonorrhea now, at the very least, pot smoking, crystal wearing, new age assholes."

Holland looked at her father, half pouting, half growling, not really knowing what to ask from him, and her father not knowing exactly what to give her except for that familiar look that every woman of the Bass family had received from him on many occasion; misplaced shame.

-3-

"Billie, I have to thank you for this!"

"Oh, thank me nothing! It's my pleasure."

"I ... I just never knew such a show existed!"

"Well, I know it's not the greatest show, but Diego is enough to make me want to learn Spanish, fake accent or not!"

Nan grunted. "Jacqueline never lets me watch shows like these."

Jubilee sat next to Nan on her bed. "Hey, Mrs. Bass, why do you call her Jacqueline?"

Nan looked around. "Well, Billie, I'll tell you a secret that I'm sure you'll believe, but you have to promise never to tell anyone..."

Jubilee leaned in. "I promise."

"All right then." Nan drew closer to Jubilee. "Her name is stupid."

"I'll buy that."

Nana relaxed. "The girl is named after a country that doesn't even have that name anymore! If that's not a sign that it's a stupid name..."

Jubilee nodded. "So, you just gave her a new name?"

Nan nodded back. "I can be proud of a Jacqueline, I can only laugh at a Holland."

Jubilee grinned. "So, what do you call Gilberto?"

"The boy's name is Albert, though I do like the name Bert ... that's what Robert has been calling him."

"And you call me Billie, because...?" Nan smiled.

"To be frank, I think your parents were smoking the pot when they thought of the name 'Jubilee'."

"Actually, it's Jubilation. My last name is Lee ... it's kind of a nickname."

Nan sniffed. "Pot takers."

Jubilee raised her arms in defense. "Hey, I'm not saying that the name **isn't** stupid ... I like the nickname, though."

Nan reached over and took Jubilee's hand. "Then think of Billie as another nick name."

Jubilee grinned. "I--"

Nan raised a hand to Jubilee's mouth. "Did you hear that, Billie?"

-4-

Jubilee raced into the parlor where she saw Bobby nursing his hand, and surrounded by broken glass. "Are you...?"

Bobby nodded. "I'm fine, Jubilee. Just had a small accident, is all."

Jubilee kneeled down and began to help him pick up the pieces of cheap china. 

"Bobby, are you bleeding?!"

"Only a bit ... don't worry about it, I can take care of it, I just need to--"

"Go to the bathroom and put whatever the heck you put on something like that. I'll pick up the pieces, okay? Don't worry about it."

Bobby nodded weakly and made his way to the bathroom.

"I thought I heard a crash -- is everything all right, Jubilee?"

"Yeah, everything is fine, Mr. Bass. Bobby just had an accident with the dishes, is all."

Jacob went down to help her. "Careful you don't slice your hands, Jubilee."

Holland stormed into the room, hands shaking and nostrils flaring. "What in the hell happened?! I thought you were with Nana! Who did this?!"

"Easy, Pork Chop ... Bobby was clearing the dishes and some accidentally broke--"

"Some?! That's practically all the dishes we used! What was he doing, carrying them to the kitchen on his head?!"

"Accidents do happen, Holl--"

"And why isn't he cleaning this mess up? Why is he having you two do it?"

Jacob turned to Jubilee. Jubilee calmed herself down before answering. "Bobby cut up his hands pretty bad trying to pick the pieces up. I sent him to the bathroom."

Holland eased down. "Well, it's a good thing he's hurt ... because if he wasn't, I would personally see to it that he was!" And with that, Holland disappeared from the room.

"What in the hell is her problem?!"

"Please don't judge Holl too harshly, Jubilee--"

Jubilee jumped. "Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Bass! I forgot that you were in here, otherwise I wouldn't have -- I mean, geez, I'm trying not to be too incredibly rude, because I don't even know you people, just Bobby, and already me and his cousin are going at it, and I tried, I really, really tried not to be rude, but, God, she's making is SO hard for me not to, and now, I go ahead and do it to another Drake--"

"Bass."

"Right, Bass, and, oh ... I'm sorry! I'm not good at this sort of thing..."

Jacob smiled. "It's all right, Jubilee. I know my daughter can be ... a handful at times. She's just been going through some hard times, is all."

"You mean she's not like this all the time?"

"I didn't say that," Jacob winked. "There was a brief time when Holl and Bobby got along ... when we all lived on Long Island. After we moved, Holl and her brother Cliff went to spend a weekend at my sister's -- Bobby's mother's -- house, and from the way I hear it, Bobby was sent to a neighbor's house for the rest of the weekend after the two got into a fist fight."

"And after that...?"

"Our families got together here and there ... it was mostly uncomfortable for all of us, so the visits pretty much dwindled. Last time I saw my sister was about ... six years ago. I haven't seen Bobby in ages."

Jubilee smiled and nodded. "So ... want to give me any dirt on Bobby as a youngster?"

It was Jacob's turn to smile. "Bobby was very imaginative and liked to tell stories. He, Cliff, and Holl would put on these little shows for me, Hollis, Maddy and her William. Cliff was a natural ... did you know he was an actor?"

Jubilee shook her head.

"And Holl and Bobby would just be a couple of hams, up there ... Let's see ... Bobby would be the hero, Holl would be the evil witch, and Cliff would be the damsel in distress..."

Jubilee coughed. "Excuse me?"

Jacob nodded. "Cliff saw it as a way to increase his "castability" as he put it."

"Excuse me for being so forward, but--"

"Yes, Cliff was gay..."

"I'm sorry to ask, but--"

"You would have found out at the funeral, anyway, Jubilee." Jacob smiled to help reassure her. "And I'm probably the only one who'd tell you. Holland has always been in denial about her brother, and Bobby doesn't know, at least I think ... and Nana just conveniently 'forgets' ... you know how that goes, right 'Billie'?"

Jubilee smiled silently and began to take a handful of glass to the trash can. "AH!" Jubilee dropped the glass into the trash and began to suck on her finger.

"Let me have a look at that, Jubilee ... I may be no doctor, but after two precocious kids and an accident prone nephew..." Jubilee gave him her hand.

"You have a small piece of glass right there ... Will you let me get it out for you?"

Jubilee opened her mouth to say something, when Bobby entered. "I can get it for her, Uncle Jacob. I think Holland wants to see you."

Jacob nodded and headed out. "Thank you, Bobby."

Bobby shrugged and took Jubilee's hand. "Looks like you did a repeat performance of what I did!"

"How is your hand, Bobby?"

Bobby held it up his bandaged hand. "I'll be fine ... I was just being careless ... there, it's out."

Jubilee put the finger back in her mouth as Bobby began to scoot her to the bathroom. "Hey, Bobby?"

"Yeah, Jube?"

"How did your cousin die? Was he HIV or something?"

Bobby wrinkled his brow. "Why would you think -- Jacob told you he was gay, didn't he?"

"Yeah..."

"Well, don't automatically assume it was AIDS, okay?"

"Geez, Bobby, I just asked a question!"

"No, you--" Bobby let out a low groan. "I'm sorry, Jubilee ... I shouldn't be fighting you." He kissed the top of her forehead. "You are going to be the only thing that keeps me in check, you know that?"

"And I'm just going to be the picture of sanity here, too. Your cousin and I are getting along so well and I keep insulting her in front of your uncle…" Jubilee bit her lip as Bobby applied antibiotic ointment on her cut. "I just can't shut my mouth."

"Well, my grandmother is crazy about you. Trust me."

Jubilee shrugged. "She's a neat lady."

"She re-named you, Jubilee. That's nothing to shrug off."

"She re-named Holland."

"She re-named you after her mother."

Jubilee blinked and continued to bit her lip, trying to escape the conversation. "Do you think I have enough ointment on my finger yet, Drake? I was watching some important documentaries with Nana before you went and got all graceful on me."


	3. God er, Dog, pt 3

God ... er, Dog, Chapter 3**  
**By Mice

-1-

Bobby Drake casually woke himself up at the ten o'clock hour. He turned his lazy carcass over to put on a pair of pants, and found Bert standing on them and staring at him, resembling a Precious Moments figurine gone horribly wrong.

"Hey, Bert." Bobby nonchalantly ran his finger's through the young boy's afro. "I pity the foo' who mess widjou."

A voice cleared in the hallway. "Hey, Bobby, I got news for you ... you're white."

Bobby went to clear the sleep out of his eyes. "It looks like Holland Bass, but she's smiling, cordial, and almost witty ... not as scary as I thought it would be."

Holland entered Bobby's room, picking up her son with the utmost motherly affection while maintaining a most sinister grin. "It's still early yet." Holland began to smooth over Bert's hair. "And, you have a message. Your friend Hank called an hour ago."

Bobby nodded and waved to Holland and Bert as they left. He went to the kitchen to the only available phone in the house and called up his best friend.

-2-

"Hank!" No answer. Annie Peckenpaugh took a deep breath and let loose again. 

"HANK!!"

"Judas Priest, Annie, I think they heard you in Brentwood!" Bobby Drake cringed over the phone.

Annie rolled her eyes. "Hank, Bobby's swearing like a sissy, hurry!"

Bobby rolled his eyes. "Talk to me, Annie. What's going on around there?"

"Oh, same old, same old. Or at least I think, I've been too busy reading ... I never get out. You think if I was going to be a mutant, I could get a cool, all encompassing power, but no! I wind up making the Xavier Wall of Shame for the Not-So Gifted Youngsters."

Bobby chuckled. "Hey, I worked for, like, minutes on that certificate for you!"

"Yeah, I appreciate you using the picture of me wearing the Christmas angel on top of my head at New Year's." A sigh. "Well, mine isn't as bad as this Doug Ramsey guy's picture. I don't think clothes like that were ever in -- wait, here's Hank."

Bobby heard a rustle of something, then, "You know perfectly well that _Passions_ is on--"

"I'm not the one who called Bobby, Hank ... and what's going on?"

"Ethan kissed Theresa."

"You liar!"

Bobby cleared his throat. "Can we get back to me?"

Hank smiled sheepishly. "Tell me what happens?" Annie nodded and scurried away to the rec room.

"Isn't that a soap, Hank?"

"...yes."

"Hank, you detest soaps."

Hank rubbed his tired eyes. "She got to me, Bobby. I don't know how, but somewhere between studying astrophysics and ancient architecture of Babylon, Annie has managed to hook me on all sorts of, for lack of a better word, 'crap'."

Bobby put his hand over the receiver and looked to a half asleep Jubilee making her way to the kitchen. "Hey, Jubilee, get this, Hank said crap."

Jubilee stopped in her tracks and looked at him. "Did hell freeze over and someone not tell me?"

"I heard that. Tell Miss Lee that--"

"HANK!!" Annie bellowed.

"Hold on, Robert." Hank covered his end of the receiver. "WHAT?!"

"LUIS AND SHERIDAN ARE ON!"

Another stray voice in the mansion; "Oh mah lord, Luis is wet...!"

"Yeah, and in a towel!"

Bobby shifted his weight and leaned against the pantry door. "Uhm, Hank, is there a closet you want to come out of?"

Hank grunted. "If you ever did see Miss Sheridan Crane in a sweater ... not since Lana Turner, Bobby! Tune in at two p.m., and you shall see." Hank's ears pricked up as he heard a faint rustling of wrappers. "If you will excuse me for a moment, Robert, I advise you cover the receiver and hold it away from you." Hank cleared his throat and took a deep breath. "I BETTER NOT SMELL TWINKIES ON YOUR BREATH, ANNIE!" A giggle. A sigh. "Ah, back to you, Robert. I just wanted to see how all is faring."

"Faring fairly well." Bobby turned to the living room to find Holland shaking in anger and trying admirably to keep herself in check.

"All right, who put the plush Blue with a butcher knife in my bed with the note?"

Jubilee looked over to Nan and the two shared a secret high five.

"Things are faring just fine."

-3-

I know everyone says this about their family, but mine are completely insane. I mean, first you have the Drake's, who are so conservative that if you even so much as sneeze, they will hire a lawyer and make sure no one else will ever know about it.

The major difference between the Drakes and Basses, besides one being Catholic and the other being Jewish which some would say is the real major difference, is the name thing. The Drake's have reasonable names, and no more than one pet name. My father is William or Willie (yeah, real wild nick name). I'm Robert or Bobby. It's Mary or Mare. Joel or ... Joel. However, the Basses ... first, their names suck. I'm sorry, but I can't believe Uncle Jacob and Aunt Hollis named their only son Heathcliff. Incredibly lame. And nick names? Holland has a million. Holl, Holly, Andy, Hollandaise, Ho Ho, Jacqueline ... I think I'm the only one who calls her Holland.

Ridiculous, isn't it? Even my mother was subject to it. I don't know of too many, but I saw several signatures in my Mom's yearbook saying, "To Mad Dog..."

Don't get me started with Nana.

Robert or Bobby. Or Iceman, but that shouldn't count. I say, if the name is used when your primarily in spandex, it doesn't count.

And to tell the truth ... I think that name is kind of lame. I mean, my mind wonders all over the place when I hear "Iceman". Like ... I remember once, we were fighting Magneto. I had caught him by surprise with an ice attack, and he said, "Who was that?"

And I, obviously not thinking, said, "The Muffin Man!"

I wish I had gotten a better code name. My original choice for a code name, again not thinking about it when I blurted it out, was Snowballs.

Five equally horrible names later, never to be repeated, the Professor had had enough and told me it my code name was Iceman, end of story.

I should have had Uncle Jacob and Aunt Hollis give me my code name.

-5-

"We just got a letter! We just got a letter! We just got a letter! Wonder who it's from?"

Bobby strolled into the living room and saw an absolutely enthralled Bert dancing along with an image of Steve and Blue on the television and barely passing for alive 

Jubilee. "Come on, J, I'll take you to Promenade--"

"Ssh."

"We can eat, go to the beach, shop--"

"SSH!"

Bobby did a double take. "Jubilee?"

"Dude, Bobby ... be quiet."

Bobby could hear the wheels turning in his head. _She refused shopping. Great. I'm going to get therapy bills saying how my family has retarded her mind._

Jubilee's head snapped back to Bobby as a few small children were now present on the screen. "You were saying, Bobby?"

"Jubilee, wild guess here, but do you like this show?"

"_Blues Clues_? Oh, my God, yes! I've never been out of class to be able to watch it, but, wow! It's really a good show!"

"Huh?"

Jubilee rolled her eyes. "Okay, got me, this Steve guy is really hot."

"The dork in the rugby shirt?!" Jubilee smiled dreamily. "Yeah. Ain't he a doll?"

Bobby began to ramble. "But he's ... he's a terrible dancer ... and ... and ... he's so slow ... and ... he's ... he's a dork, Jubilee!"

Jubilee's smile grew. "I know! Oh, Bobby, look at that nose! Oh, GOD, that nose is perfect!"

"It's huge!" "I know!" Jubilee batted her eyes shyly. "I like big noses."

Bobby crossed his arms wisely. "Paige didn't tell you that old wives tale about how you can measure a guy by measuring 'from the tip of the hairline to the tip of the nose', did she?"

"'That's how big it grows'? That one?"

Bobby nodded. "I **assure** you that it isn't true."

Jubilee shook her head. "Oh, pee-shaw, Bobby! That's just stupid! I just like -- oh, he's on again!" Jubilee's attention snapped back to the television.

"Time to get out our--" Bert and Jubilee shouted together, "Handy dandy notebooks!"

Bobby gawked at the two enthralled kids and mouthed, "'Pee-shaw'?"

-6-

We all used to live in the same neighborhood, and I'd play with Cliff, Holland's brother. It was like I had the little brother I had always wanted and the older sister ... well, I had the little brother I had always wanted. That lasted until I was six; they up and moved to Seattle when I was six. I don't think I remember why.

Nana and Poppa moved to Santa Monica while I was in junior high -- basically when I stopped going to Hebrew school.

Poppa had a heart attack and died a month after I began college. A later, I came down to L.A. and met up with Warren and some other people and did the super-hero thing again, but also enabled me to be close to Nana. I promised my mom I'd look after her.

See, you will notice a pattern here. I go to visit Nana in my mother's stead. Always. This is because they're relationship depends on them not seeing each other, talk to each other minimally on the phone, always saying how they miss the other, and then bitch about each other when the other is out of earshot.

I am all for this. When the Drakes fight, it's a good, low volume verbal thing. When the Basses fight, it's all or nothing. Everything comes out. Old grudges that should have been forgotten, drudged up again, disapproval of the other's taste in decorating (especially hurtful, believe it or not), and when it gets really bad ... the nudity happens.

This has only happened once, but it was horrible. When Nana and Poppa were visiting us from California once, Nana and Mom got into an argument in no seconds flat. Then, Nana got so upset and began to shout, "What do you want from me? The clothes off my back? Here, take them!" Then Nana just ... took off her dress, showing her old lady underwear, old lady knee highs ... just old lady-ness. I guess that's pretty derogatory, but, I was hitting puberty, and that was a huge speed bump.

It has been a useful image, though. See, some guys think of baseball to put the little-guy-who's-not-so-little downstairs to sleep, but for me, I've seen my grandmother in her old lady underwear and that is how I am able to wear spandex around women.

-7-

The phone rang again and Holland raced to answer it. "Bass residence."

"Jubilee..." Bobby began in a sing song voice. "If you leave to go out with me, I'll let you look at shoes ... I'll even buy you a pair...!"

Jubilee whipped her head around. "Even if it's at Nordstrom's?"

Bobby nodded. "Even if."

"Cool. I wasn't even watching t.v. anyways."

Bobby gave her a dark look. "I'm changing that to I'll buy you a pair of shoes at the bargain bin at--" Bobby paused, noticing that his cousin had stopped talking. He turned and saw her sobbing on the floor, phone lying next to her. "Holland, what's wrong? What happened?"

"Pork Chop?" Jacob Bass entered the kitchen to comfort his daughter, who just pointed to the phone. Jacob picked it up. "Hello?"

Bobby went down to help Holland up. "Holland, who was it?"

Holland looked at him and whispered, "Mom."

Bobby opened his mouth to speak, but shake his head for a while instead, hoping the appropriate word would fall out of his mind and into his mouth. "Shit."

Jubilee looked at a suddenly fragile Jacob hanging up the phone. "What, what's the big deal? So your wife was little late getting here--"

"Twenty-one years isn't a 'little late', Jubilee," Jacob calmly explained to her.


	4. God er, Dog, pt 4

**Standard Mice Disclaimer**  
Mice is in no way associated with the Marvel Comics Group. She is merely trying to write a story and this is all she has to show for it. A noble effort. Though she would one day like to be paid for writing, please don't send her any money (send mail to urmonkeyifudo@yeahright.com on instructions to send her money). The characters of Bobby Drake, Hank McCoy and Jubilee, belong to the Marvel Comics Group. Holland, Jacob, Bert, Cliff, Hollis, Annie, Gary, and Nan are of my own mind. Any archiving of this story that is unaware of her attention will be ily received (Read: Tikki Curse). If you e-mail her, explain your intentions to archive the story and address of your archive, she will be more than gracious and will probably do something nice for you, like bake you brownies, not to mention archiving the story. She just wants to know where she can drool over the sight of her name. If you want to e-mail her comments, do it at esily@aol.com. You'll also get some brownies out of the deal, but it's not really that great of a reward because she can't cook.  
------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
God ... er, Dog  
By Mice  
  
Chapter 4  
  
Jacob brought a cup of tea to his mother. "So, what do you think she wants, Mom?"  
  
Nan pursed her lips and shook her head. "I don't know and I don't like this ... Jacob, she left you with two kids to raise. No contact in over twenty years and the shiksa just drops back into your life? How in the world did she even hear about Cliff?"  
  
"Well, Mom, Hollis has all sorts of connections, you know that..."  
  
Nan snorted.  
  
"I still love her, Mom."  
  
"I don't understand what you ever saw in her--"  
  
"Mom, not this again!"  
  
"Jacob, the woman is an overbearing bitch!"  
  
Jacob Bass's eyes flew wide. "Mom!"  
  
"Jacob, you know how I detest swearing, but the woman is an awful, shallow, conceited piece of--"  
  
"I know, Mom," Jacob said softly as he looked out the window. "But maybe Cliff's death has brought her back to her senses."  
  
Nan cuffed her son on the back of the head. "Have you just completely lost her mind? This woman thrives on attention! She's getting off on the idea that she will be the poor mother who's lost her son, the detail that she left him before he left her completely forgotten!" Nan began to stroke her son's hair. "I'm sorry, Jacob..."  
  
Jacob shook his head. "No, Mom, you're right. It's just hard not to care for -- what is it?" Jacob looked at his mother who was convulsing with laughter.  
  
"Jacob ... can you imagine what will happen when she finds out that she's a grandmother ... and a grandmother of a minority at that? Oh, my, what's her country club going to say?!"  
  
Jacob began to laugh gently. "I don't know how she's going to take Cliff's homosexuality..."   
  
Nan began to ride another wave of laughter. "I can see her face at the wake, sitting with Cliff's friends ... especially that one that does Cher...!"  
  
Jacob wanted to tell his mother that it wasn't funny, but just the thought of his wife being in a crowd of every single minority group that she hated, not being able to get out...  
  
"Priceless."  
------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Jubilee sat perfectly still Bobby's rental car. She didn't dare speak. Not after what had just happened at his grandmother's house.  
  
After they got a call from Hollis Bass, Bobby began to storm out of the house, Holland yelling at him all the way. During one of her taunts, he grabbed one of her wrists and spoke to her in low tones. After he released and began to make his way out again, Holland was rubbing her wrist.  
  
And Jubilee had a choice. Stay in that house with yet another Bass on the way, or try to soothe Bobby's temper.  
  
Jubilee snuck a glance at Bobby; his nostrils were still flaring. She snapped her head back into place, still afraid to make any sound.  
------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
"Holly!"  
  
Holland turned her head to see a woman running to her. Despite herself, she smiled and felt her breath quicken.  
  
"Oh, mah goodness, Holly, will you look at you? You look -- is that a unibrow?"  
  
Holland touched her impending unibrow gingerly and shyly averted her mother's eyes. "I'm sorry, Mom, I haven't had much time for myself, with Gilberto and all--"  
  
Hollis Bass smiled. "So you have a man in your life. A Mex-Can? Holly..."  
  
Hollis shook her head. Holly smiled again. "Actually, Mom, he's my son."  
  
Hollis smiled through gritted teeth. "Well, if that just don't plum beat all..." Hollis looked at her daughter's hair. "Ah like your hair short..."  
  
"But it's long--"  
  
"Precisely mah point, darlin'. Nothing that a short trip to Nei  
man Marcus won't fix ... would you like ta stop there on the way home, honey?"  
  
Holland blushed. "Well...sure, I guess..."  
  
"But first, to the bathroom. Ah have some tweezers with me, and Ah don't think Ah can stand ta look at that thing anymore..."  
------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Jubilee twirled the stiff phone cord of the pay phone awkwardly while watching her friend do absolutely nothing. "Hank, this sucks beyond sucking! He hasn't said a word, he's just sitting on a bench, watching Shalamaar, the psychic cat!"  
  
"Is he taunting the psychic cat, Jubilee?"  
  
"No!"  
  
"Then this is serious."  
  
"Yes! Hank, he's not talking to me ... I need your help, I've tried everything I know!"  
  
"Did you try the anecdote about the Professor's special cake?"  
  
"I began it and he said, 'Heard it.' I thought it was good that he spoke, but he just grew more ... penciled."  
  
"'Pensive'?"  
  
"Yeah, what I said!"  
  
"Did you try suggesting you two spend the day speaking in ridiculous Monty Python English accents?"  
  
"Not even a smirk."  
  
"Jubilee ... I'm at a loss -- hold on." A faint muffle. "Yes, Rogue, she's tried that! What? Oh, now that's just plain gross ... I don't care if it worked for you, she's not twenty one yet!" Another muffle. "Sorry. Everyone here seems to be at a loss, as well."  
  
Jubilee nodded her head sadly. "Well, something will turn up. I better get off the phone ... there's a small group of Korean woman beginning to huddle around me."  
  
Click.  
  
"Phone's free."  
  
One of the women stepped up to her. "Oh, no! We don't want to use the phone ... you have a very pretty chin."  
  
The other two nodded.  
  
"Uhm ... look, I don't do foursomes ... I've never even had a twosome, and I am thoroughly heterosexual--"  
  
"No, we just want to ... well, here. We meet every Monday. Come by." Leaving a pink flyer in her hand, the women left.  
  
"'Pursuit of Happiness'..." Jubilee scanned the paper and grew more and more disgusted. "BOBBY!"  
  
Bobby Drake slowly turned his head, face still frozen in anger.  
  
Jubilee ran over to the bench, a rather incredible feat considering her feet were clad in four-inch platform shoes. "Read this."  
  
Bobby took the pink flier and began to read out loud. "'Are you single? Divorced? Are you looking for your ideal love partner? Has love passed you by? If you answered YES to any of these questions, you are invited to join us for an evening presentation with...True Love Connections?" Bobby looked back to Jubilee who looked just as confused as she was. "I didn't think you looked that desperate..."  
  
Jubilee's grimace slowly melted into a grin. "I think she saw me with you."  
  
Bobby quickly grabbed Jubilee and kissed the top of her head. "Thank you."  
  
Jubilee blinked several times. "For...?"  
  
"Making me smile, silly. Now, let's go and get some food, okay?"  
  
Jubilee nodded and got up with Bobby, but before catching up, she fished a five-dollar bill out of her pocket and gave it to the psychic cat. "You do good work."  
------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
"Mom, I don't think I can breathe..."  
  
"But you look simply lovely, honey!"  
  
"My God, how did my--?"  
  
"What the good Lord didn't give us in cleavage, he gave us with latex, cotton, and wire."  
  
"I feel like an over stuffed pastry puff."  
  
"Yes, but at least now you don't look like one."  
------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
"Bobby! Bobby! Bobby! Bobby!" Jubilee bounced up and down, pointing to an item on the shelf.  
  
"I thought you wouldn't even consider buying anything in Target; we're just here to use the bathroom--"  
  
"Yeah, well, that was five minutes ago, and this is now, or whatever. LOOK. Isn't it perfect?!"  
  
"It's Steve doll from Blue's Clues."  
  
"Yeah, and he TALKS!"  
  
Jubilee squeezed his hand, and Steve said, "How did you get so smart?" Jubilee squealed and tossed her head back and forth.  
  
"Isn't he just the best?!" She squeezed his hand again. "We are gonna play Blue's Clues...!"  
  
"Ugh, no..."  
  
She squeezed again. "You're AMAZING!"  
  
She melted. "Bobby...! We HAVE to get this!"  
  
Bobby picked Steve up and looked him over. "You're right. It is perfect."  
  
Jubilee began to do a victory dance. "Yes!"  
  
"Bert is going to love--"  
  
"Uh uh!" Jubilee stopped and waggled a finger in front of Bobby. "Steve is my man!"  
  
"I'm going to have to get two, aren't I?"  
  
Jubilee squeezed his hand again. "You're AMAZING!"  
  
"The doll never lies, Bobby."  
------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
"Mom, I don't think I can walk in these shoes ... they hurt my feet..."  
  
"Holly, honey...stop complaining." Hollis smiled at her daughter.  
  
"So, are we going home, now?" Hollis laughed. "Oh, honey, Ah'm not going ta Hannah's house, oh good God no! You just say the cutest things, Holly!"  
  
Holly's smile fell a bit. "Oh. So ... you're staying in a hotel?"  
  
Hollis nodded. "But, Ah want ta spend more time with mah daughter, if you don't mind."  
  
"Of course not, Mom!"  
  
"Good, because you desperately need a manicure. What do you do, girl, dry your hands with sandpaper?"  
------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
"I should have brought a camera--"  
  
"NO!"  
  
The beautician, Gary, smiled. "You are going to look super in blonde hair! I can't wait to see what it looks like."  
  
"Well, I kind of enjoy the way it looks now, with all the tin foil."  
  
"Bobby...!"  
  
"I'm sorry, Jubilee, but there's nothing here for me to read..."  
  
Gary opened a drawer and withdrew some catalogs. "Here. Read these. I think you would look great in some of the clothes."  
  
"International Male?"  
  
Jubilee swooned. "After you're done with them, Bobby, let me look! The men in there..."  
  
Gary smiled. "Tell me about it."  
  
Bobby began to flip through, and before long, he saw something very interesting. "Hey, that's Cliff! Jubilee, look!" Bobby brought the catalogue to her. "See?"  
  
"God, your cousin was a hottie!"  
  
Gary looked at Bobby. "You're Cousin Bobby?"  
  
"You knew Cliff?"  
  
"I'm Boyfriend Gary! I show that catalog to people to show him off. Works for men and women of all persuasion, just about!"  
  
Bobby smiled. "Wow. Cliff talked a lot about you ... I'm glad we meet before..."  
  
Gary nodded. "It's nice to know someone else in the family ... I was worried about feeling a little too uncomfortable about tomorrow."  
  
"You know Holland, though, right?" Gary turned on Jubilee's dryer.  
  
"You noticed the imprint of horror she left behind, right?"  
  
"She has that impression on people."  
  
Jubilee craned her neck from under the dryer. "Are we bad mouthing the Red Light District?"  
  
"Yes," Bobby and Gary said in unison. "Oh ... I wanna join in! Bobby, tell him about how I totally dissed her last night, and how witty I was and--"  
  
"Get back under that dryer, girl," Gary gently scolded. "They'll be plenty of time for you and me to dish later."  
  
Jubilee pouted and picked up the International Male catalog again. "Oooh..."  
  
"So, I take it you and Holland don't get along all that much, Gary?" Gary crossed his arms.  
  
"She's never fully acknowledged that Cliff was gay. She saw me as his 'good friend'. If you ask me, Holland is a bit..." Gary let out a few short whistles and twirled his finger around his left ear.  
  
Bobby nodded. "I'll buy that. But you have to understand ... with Hollis as her mother ... Cliff did tell you about his mother, right?"  
  
"The mother that abandoned her children with no explanation? Who vanished without a trace? Who showed no real feelings of love towards her children?" Bobby nodded again. "Not much." Gary smiled. "Do you think she knows about Cliff--"  
  
Bobby raised his eyebrows. "Funny you should mention that. Guess who Holland is picking up at the airport today?" Gary picked up his pair of glasses and looked at the entry of the salon. "I'm guessing the rich bitch who just entered with Holland."  
  
"What?!"  
  
"And the unibrow is gone!"  
  
"WHAT?" Jubilee bellowed from the dryer.  
  
Gary and Bobby turned their backs so the two women wouldn't see them. "So, I get to meet my 'mother in law'..."  
  
"I can't believe this. It figures, it just figures!" Bobby grunted.  
  
"How do you mean, Bobby?"  
  
"Look, Gary, I think it was for the best that Hollis left Cliff and Holland. I can't think of someone more unfit to be a mother. She's a selfish shrew, and I just know she's going to turn Cliff's death into something about her ... I mean, I know I was young when she left them, but, damn!" Bobby pounded his fist on a counter. "Sorry."  
  
Gary put a hand on his shoulder. "Don't be. Cliff said pretty much the same."  
------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
"Holly, maybe we shouldn't be here..."  
  
"No, Mom, it's okay. One of Cliff's old friends works here. It's okay -- wait, is that Bobby?"  
  
"Holly, this place feels tacky..."  
  
"But Gary was one of Cliff's best friends! You said you wanted to meet him--!"  
  
"He's busy with Robert ... Ah don't want to bother..."  
  
"But Mom--"  
  
"Holland, Ah said Ah don't want to be here, don't question me!"  
  
Holland began to bite her lip to keep from crying. "Okay, Mom." Hollis smiled.  
  
"Thank you, Holly ... and don't bite your lip, it's tacky." Holland closed her eyes as her mother began to walk out. "Okay, Mom." 


	5. God er Dog, pt 5

****

**Standard Mice Disclaimer**

Mice is in no way associated with the Marvel Comics Group. She is merely trying to write a story and this is all she has to show for it. A noble effort. Though she would one day like to be paid for writing, please don't send her any money (send mail to urmonkeyifudo@yeahright.com on instructions to send her money). The characters of Bobby Drake, Hank McCoy and Jubilee, belong to the Marvel Comics Group. Holland, Jacob, Bert, Cliff, Hollis, Annie, Gary, and Nan are of my own mind. Any archiving of this story that is unaware of her attention will be ily received (Read: Tikki Curse). If you e-mail her, explain your intentions to archive the story and address of your archive, she will be more than gracious and will probably do something nice for you, like bake you brownies, not to mention archiving the story. She just wants to know where she can drool over the sight of her name. If you want to e-mail her comments, do it at esily@aol.com. You'll also get some brownies out of the deal, but it's not really that great of a reward because she can't cook. 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

God ... er, Dog

By Mice

Chapter 5

Holland began to tip toe back into her grandmother's house, hoping that no one would notice her slipping in.

But, as always, fate was against her.

"Will someone get that phone?"

Holland paused and yelled back. "The phone isn't ringing, Nana--"

The phone rang. Holland knitted her eyebrows together while going over to the phone. "That's it, she's not allowed to watch NBC Saturday night ... ever since that show _The Others_ came on, the woman think she's psychic..." Holland removed one of her earrings and picked up the phone. "Bass residence."

"Uh, hello ... I'm calling for, uh, Jubilee," a nervous voice said.

"I'll see if she's home--"

"Jacqueline, get the door!"

"Nana, no one--"

There was a knock at the door.

"You were saying, Jacqueline?"

Holland began to grit her teeth as she went to open the door.

"Thanks, Holland; I forgot to get a key before I left," her cousin Bobby said as he walked in.

"Where's your other half, Bobby?"

"Right here."

Holland's eyes went wide. "It got bleached!"

Jubilee put a hand on her hip and stared at Holland. "It got plucked." Holland opened her mouth to retort, but Jubilee cut her off. "It looks good, Holland ... the whole package, really nice."

Holland went to open her mouth again until Bobby made a motion for her to close it. "Appreciate the comment for what it is; a compliment."

Holland smiled. "Thank you ... Jubilee. Oh! Someone is on the phone for you."

Jubilee skipped over to the phone and picked it up giddily. "Yo."

"Here." Bobby thrusted a bag at Holland.

"This is...?"

"A present for Bert. Jubilee spotted it ... I don't know if he has one or not..."

Holland began to laugh as she opened the bag. "It's Steve! Bobby, this is so nice ... Gilberto will love this!"

Then, Holland did something that took her and her cousin by surprise; she hugged him. "Thank you."

"Does this mean we can declare a truce for the time being?"

Holland released him and looked him in the eye. "I shouldn't let you go off with a bribe ... but ... I think we'd both be a lot saner ... so, a truce. For the time being. Shake on it?"

Bobby smiled and hugged his cousin. "I'm a better hugger."

Jubilee walked back into the living room from the kitchen. "Well...that was nice."

"Who was it, J?"

Jubilee plopped herself on the couch. "That was Ev."

Bobby hopped on beside her. "Ooh, let's dish! How goes things in the Unrequited State of Love?"

Jubilee sighed. "I just wonder what goes through that bald head of his! I makes me wanna ... GRR! You know? Just ... GRR!"

Bobby nodded. "Hank couldn't phrase it better himself. Want to talk about it?"

Jubilee shook her head. "If you don't mind, Bobby ... I kinda want to be alone right now."

Bobby gave her a quick hug and watched her walk into his grandmother's room and rolled his eyes. "Chicks."

Holland smiled. "She just wants to talk with someone who's had some luck in the romance department, Bobby."

"Hey, I've had some success!"

Holland raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, there was Opal--"

"Aunt Maddie told me about her. Didn't she emasculate you in public?"

"But everything up until then was pretty good!"

"Name another."

"Uh ... oh! Cloud ... wait ... no. Forget that one."

"Spill it, Bobby. What went wrong?"

"Uhm ... she was in love with a bald chick so she turned into a man and--"

"Wait, wait, wait ... there's an 'and' after all that? I don't think I want to know. Next."

"Uhm..." Bobby drawled out. "Uhm..."

"Well?"

"I'm trying to think of someone who reciprocated my feelings, though wasn't trying to kill me or who was from another dimension!"

Holland smirked. "And I thought my love life was difficult."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The greatest thing and the worst thing about old age is that you get to be a kid again. The good thing being that you get to experience again the freedom of not having much to do; just stay at home, eat, and watch t.v.

And you get to do it all in your underwear.

The worst being that you are old enough to do all the things you wanted to indulge yourself in when you were too young to do it, but everyone tells you that you're too old to do them now.

Ever since I broke my hip, everyone has been treating me so different, even my Canasta Club, who've I've known since I came down here. The last game I played was two months ago; I stopped because they all started looking at me like Death was looking over my shoulder, and it was only a matter of time before it got to them, too. I want to scream at them that I just broke my hip; it's just a bone for crying out loud and hasn't Liz Taylor broke hers several times, and look at her! After my stroke, I understand the worry, but it was a hip.

Morons, every last one of them.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Uhm, Nan?"

Nan Bass smiled as she looked at her new young friend.

"Billie! Your hair looks simply to die for! Come here, Miss Monroe!" Nan ran her fingers through Jubilee's now blonde locks. "Trust me, Billie, life is definitely better as a blonde; you're always sunny side up!"

Jubilee let out a small smile. "Here's hoping."

Nan frowned. "Something the matter?"

Jubilee nodded.

"Is it about that boy you like? Emmett?"

"Everett."

"Emmett sounds better and much shorter."

Jubilee bit her lip. "He's going steady with this dip, now."

Nan motioned for Jubilee to sit on the bed next to her. "Billie, you said that he's had other girlfriends before--"

"He has, but this is different. It was never more than a passing interest. He was serious about this one girl, Marnie?"

"The manic depressive slut?"

"That's the one." Jubilee bit on her lip. "It's like ... when Ev gets serious about a girl, he gets damn serious ... and I just tend to ... you know..."

"Get shoved out of the way. I understand the feeling."

"I mean, if it were Paige, I'd be happy, but then, we're not the best of friends--"

"And she's a girl. Emmett's a guy."

"Yeah! I mean, I always saw us getting together ... one day ... but, like, with every girl he gets interested in ... it's like the further away I am from ever getting a chance." Jubilee began to sniffle.

"Keep going, Billie, it's all right."

"I wouldn't even like him if for the fact that he wasn't the most perfect guy out there ... he's like this incredibly smart, sweet, considerate, thoughtful guy, and how many guys are all those things, you know? And like, when we're together, we just have this spark ... and it's just his fault!" Jubilee reached over to get a tissue from Nan's night stand. "Like, we were watching this movie, and he said to me, 'Jubilee, I bet when you finally find that certain guy, he'll kiss you, and he'll take out a rose petal in his mouth because he'll finally taste what beauty is, just like Lester.'" Jubilee dried her eyes and began wiping off her eye make up. "And that is the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me ... how can he say that to me and keep going out with other girls?"

Nan took Jubilee's head and began to stroke it gently. "Just let it out, Billie..."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

When I got my stroke, Jacqueline came over to take care of me. The family thinks I call her that name because of Jacque O. The truth is, I call her that because of Jacqueline Smith, who was my favorite Charlie's Angel. I tell you, that Aaron Spelling could make a show about a potato farmer and make it hot, sexy, and just all around quality television.

Genius is the only word that can do him justice.

But my Jacqueline ... she has given me the only great grandchild that I'll ever see. I knew this before Cliff passed on; Jacqueline thought she could hide the fact that Cliff preferred to play for the home team, but I knew. In fact, I knew before he did.

I have excellent instincts. I once won $98,000 in just little over an hour while playing roulette. How else do you think I got to live here?

And Bobby ... that boy needs to get his head straightened out. You think a boy could get over a childhood like his after going to that Xavier's school. If that _Batman_ cartoon taught me anything, super heroes aren't supposed to be head cases, that's a job for the bad guys.

He tries to cover up that fact, but he's failing miserably.

Jacqueline is even worse, with her story about how she got pregnant and all, but I must give credit where credit is due. When I needed help, she was the only one who came running to my bedside. She can be pushy and quite the pain, but she's company, and since my Seth died a few years back, there has been a significant lack of that in my life.


	6. God er Dog, pt 6

****

**Standard Mice Disclaimer**

Mice is in no way associated with the Marvel Comics Group. She is merely trying to write a story and this is all she has to show for it. A noble effort. Though she would one day like to be paid for writing, please don't send her any money (send mail to urmonkeyifudo@yeahright.com on instructions to send her money). The characters of Bobby Drake, Hank McCoy and Jubilee, belong to the Marvel Comics Group. Holland, Jacob, Bert, Cliff, Hollis, Annie, Gary, and Nan are of my own mind. Any archiving of this story that is unaware of her attention will be ily received (Read: Tikki Curse). If you e-mail her, explain your intentions to archive the story and address of your archive, she will be more than gracious and will probably do something nice for you, like bake you brownies, not to mention archiving the story. She just wants to know where she can drool over the sight of her name. If you want to e-mail her comments, do it at esily@aol.com. You'll also get some brownies out of the deal, but it's not really that great of a reward because she can't cook. 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

God ... er, Dog

By Mice

Chapter 6

Bobby Drake shifted his weight in his white altar boy robe. He was standing next to some of his friends, Danny and Keith Partridge, who were outfitted in similar robes, but the difference between them was that Bobby had on a yarmulke and he was an adult and while they were kids.

And they were Partridges.

Father Houlihan turned to Bobby and said in a kind, soft, Irish voice. "Please, son, lead us in the Lord's Prayer."

Bobby nervously looked out to the pews were filled with people he didn't know and were stretched out to what seemed to be eternity. "Uhm ... Our Father ...who art in heaven ... uhm ... mellow be thy Maine..."

"Say it right, my son."

"I'm trying! It's just been a while..."

"How long?"

"I haven't been to church in about five years--"

"Five? My son, drop and give me twenty."

"But I don't remember the prayer--"

Father Houlihan smiled and patted Bobby on the head, and said in the same, sweet, soft Irish brogue, "Shut up, my son. You don't want to upset God anymore than you have already, do you? Now, the twenty Hail Marys."

Bobby dropped to his knees and Father Houlihan carefully placed a rosary in hands that had not felt one in much longer than five years. Bobby closed his eyes and thought of a little prayer himself before starting. "Hail Mary ... uhm ... Hail Mary ... Hail Mary..."

Father Houlihan closed his eyes in disappointment. Bobby looked at Keith and Danny who were leaving him to go back on the bus. He looked at the giant cross with Jesus hung there, who began to laugh at him in a way that reminded him of Gilbert Godfrey.

"Oh, God, I am so sorry..." Bobby looked out to the pews again and saw only a big guy seated. "I'm sorry."

"YOU HAVE ALREADY SAID THAT."

Bobby closed his eyes, wishing the scene away. When he opened them, it was only him and the big guy. "Uhm..."

"PLEASE DON'T SAY YOU ARE SORRY AGAIN."

Bobby bit his lip nervously. "Uhm ... nice sweater."

He beamed. The sweater was a beautiful shade of smoke blue and had a giant, golden 'G' embroidered on the upper left corner. He was especially proud because he had knitted it himself. "THANK YOU."

"What does the 'G' stand for?"

"'GOD'."

Bobby snorted. "Well, someone has a high opinion of himself..."

"WELL, ON MY RESUME, IT SAYS 'UNIVERSE MADE IN SIX DAYS', WHAT DOES IT SAY ON YOURS?"

Bobby narrowed his eyes. "You mean you're actually..."

God touched his nose. Bobby searched for something to say. "You have really white teeth."

"MIX A LITTLE PEROXIDE WITH SOME WATER, GARGLE, THEN SPIT. TRUST ME."

"Your sandals are pretty nice, too ... Birkenstocks?"

"NO, I GOT THESE FROM K-MART; BLUE LIGHT SPECIAL."

Bobby nodded. "Well ... God, why are you here?"

God smiled again. "I CAME TO GIVE YOU THE GUIDANCE THAT YOU SO SEEK."

"You mean that you've come to help me?" Bobby said excitedly.

God shook his head. "I WAS, BUT UNFORTUNATELY, ROBERT, WE'VE TOOK UP ALL THE TIME I HAD. I HAVE OTHER PLACES TO BE."

"What?!" Bobby flustered. "You can't ditch me to be on some tortilla in Texas!"

"YOU HAVE GOT IT WRONG, THAT IS NOT MY DOING. THE CHERUBIN GET ANTSY SOMETIMES AND DECIDE TO PUT THE FACE OF VARIOUS RELIGIOUS FIGURES. I PUT A STOP FROM THEM USING JESUS AND ELVIS'S LIKENESS, HOWEVER, THEY TRICKED ME INTO LETTING THEM USE THE LIKENESS OF THE MADONNA ... I THOUGHT THEY MEANT THE MATERIAL GIRL." God frowned just thinking about it. God did not like being outsmarted.

"But you haven't helped me at all!"

"HAVEN'T, I, ROBERT?" God winked and patted Bobby on the head. Then, a car pulled up to the pew. "MY RIDE IS HERE." God got in, and before he sped away, he turned his head to Bobby and spoke one last time. "JUST REMEMBER, WHAT WE SEE INITIALLY ISN'T WHAT IS ACTUALLY THERE."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bobby's body jerked as he woke up, struggling to remember what happened, but the only thing that remained from dream to awake was, "God has a REALLY nice car..."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Blue!!" Gilberto raced to the screen door where a medium-sized beagle was sniffing and whining to be let in. "Blue!"

Jacob raced over to his grandson, "Get back here, I need to put a shirt on you...!"

"Mr. Bass?"

Jacob looked up to see a man putting a choke chain back on the dog. "Are you Gary?"

Gary smiled. "I hope you don't mind if I brought the dog; Little G here loves her."

Jacob nodded wearily. "I don't think my mother would mind."

Gilberto clapped his hands as the dog made her way in and began to lick his face. "Blue!"

Jacob drummed his hands against his slacks, slacks that were identical to Gary's. In fact, Gary looked like he just walked out of the Gap. "Uhm..." Jacob stammered. "I hope this doesn't sound too horribly ignorant, but, uh ... I was expecting someone more ... well..."

"Someone with a lisp like Liza and clothes like Bette Midler?"

"It's just that Cliff said you were a hairdresser--"

"So where's my pink Cadillac? Where's my Brittney Spears' midriff?" Gary began to chuckle. "I do hair, that's where the stereotype ends for me."

Jacob blushed. "I'm sorry."

"Just wait until tonight, you'll see. There's Raquie's lavender Rambler and Harry's rendition of 'Wake Me Up Before You Go Go'..."

Jacob felt his heart skip. "Excuse me?"

"Cliff always wanted that song played if he ever ... you know. I tried to talk him out of it, because I always thought it was an okay song at best, and for that to be the song to send him off?" Gary shuddered. "Favorite song or not ... I mean, I think Ricky Martin is hot, and I love that 'Cup of Life' song, but ... I'm off track. Sorry."

It was Jacob's turn to chuckle. "Don't worry about it, Gary. Cliff just wanted us to be happy, right?"

Gary nodded. "However, the only way I can be happy is just imagining that he's not really gone yet; that he's just got a part on a movie, and he'll be back from location any day ... delusional, yes, but ... it's a lot better than actually letting go." Gary smiled again, though his eyes were wet. "When we made out those wills, it was just a precaution in case we got HIV, which we never thought we would, but after a friend of ours, Edie, passed on, we thought better safe than sorry." He let out a snort and continued to grin. "Stupid phrase. I feel more sorry than safe, right now."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am quite surprised nobody gave me the third degree last night. I thought that Bobby, at least, for sure would have some words with me, but not one ill word and he even said he liked my new look.

What in the hell is that little prick up to?

He has always said that I had too soft of a spot for my mother, but how can I feel any different about her? I don't care if she did leave us, she's my mother, and that's more than enough.

Besides, what would Bobby know? Nobody's left him. God forbid Uncle William or Aunt Maddie would do anything to upset their little one and only. Bobby was always such a spoiled brat. When we were kids, if he sneezed, Aunt Maddie would rush him inside and make him some chicken soup from scratch. If he wanted a tree house, Uncle William would be out that weekend building him one.

Not that I'm complaining that my parents were mean -- they taught us different values, like how to be self-reliant. If I got the sniffles, Mom used to tell me that I knew where the medicine was. If I wanted a sandwich, I didn't have to wait for her to make me one and have her cut off the edges, I did it myself.

And if we wanted a damn tree house, Dad sent us over to Bobby's.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Hello in there!"

Jacob Bass turned to the screen. "I swear, more people have been through that door in the past three days than the past three decades..."

Gary's face brightened and his present smile grew a little more. "Pop!"

A short man in a brown fedora smiled from behind the screen. "At least one of us knows who I am. I'd hug you, but you have yet to let me in."

Gary rushed over and opened the door, and the two men hugged. "I didn't want to leave you outnumbered here ... has the, uh..." The man whistled a few times and crossed his eyes. "Awoke yet?"

Gary turned to Jacob. "Holland up and about?"

Jacob shook his head. "She left to go see her mother."

"The shiksa returned?"

Gary nodded. "And she's something else, let me tell you."

"You met my wife?"

"Not really. She and Holland came into my shop yesterday, but your wife left before we could meet."

Jacob let out a soft grunt. "Did she look good?"

"She's from old money, isn't she?" Jacob softly nodded his head. "Yes. Her family has a ranch..." Jacob shook his head and approached Gary's father. "I'm sorry, we haven't met. I'm Cliff's father, Jacob."

The older man smiled and took Jacob's hand. "Gene Ginsberg, Gary's grandfather. Cliff was quite a boy."

"Have you met any of the family...?"

Gene shook his head. "No, I just came up here today ... I live in San Diego. Cliff and Gary used to visit me every Wednesday."

Jacob motioned for the hallway. "Well, I'll introduce you to--"

Jubilee came out of the hall at that moment and looked at Gene. "Oh, no! NO! NO! NO! No more Basses--" Jubilee stopped when she saw Gary. "Hey, Gary. I'm seriously loving the hair!" She turned back to Gene. "NO!"

Gary smiled. Again. "Jubilee, this is my grandfather, Gene Ginsberg. One hundred percent Bass free."

Jubilee winced. "I ... am SO sorry, sir."

Gene wavered his hand in the air and said with a wink, "Don't worry, I thought the same when I saw you."

Gary motioned for Jubilee to come over. "Pop, this is Jubilee. She's a friend of Cliff's cousin, Bobby."

"Nice to meet you, sir. Do you want to meet Bobby?"

Gene nodded.

Jubilee grinned. "BOBBY!"

Jacob winced. "Jubilee, there is a more polite way to--"

"WHAT?!"

Jacob shook his head. "Forget it."

"YOU GOTTA MEET GARY'S GRANDFATHER!"

A pause.

"WHY?"

Jubilee turned and winked at Gene. "Don't worry, he'll get out of bed."

"That's quite all right, uh, Jubilee--"

Jubilee smiled in a way that all her teeth seemed to gleam evilly. "No, no, sir! It's my pleasure!" And with that, she scurried back into the hallway, snatching Gilberto and the dog he was hugging.

Jacob smiled nervously, at tad bit uncomfortable. "She really is a nice girl. Uh ... shall I introduce you to my mother?"

Gene licked his finger tips and ran them across his eyebrows. "Please."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"C'mere, li'l doggy--"

"BLUE!"

"Ssh, Bert! You don't wanta wake Bobby, do you?"

Bert shook his head.

"Good. Now ... c'mere, li'l doggy..."

The beagle looked at Jubilee and did little else.

Jubilee sighed. "This sucks. I never had a dog ... how do you get it to do stuff?"

Bert ran out of the room.

"Great. The kid deserted me."

Bert came running back. "Blue...!"

The beagle's ears perked up.

Bert dangled a slice of turkey luncheon meat.

The beagle smiled. Bert began to lead the beagle to Bobby's bed and brushed the piece of meat against Bobby's cheek and then placed it on his side that was the furthest from the beagle.

The beagle leaped up on the bed and began to sniff everywhere, wagging her tail. She then caught a scent on Bobby's cheek and began licking it voraciously.

"What in the he--UGH!" Bobby bolted upright in his bed for the second time that morning. "Jubilee, that ... THING slipped me the tongue!"

Jubilee rolled her eyes. 'It's a dog, Bobby. A really cute one at that, aren'tcha?" Jubilee leaned in and pet the dog.

"But, Fruit Jubes, it slipped me the tongue!"

Jubilee pursed her lips at the sound of this nickname. "I bet it was the first tongue slippage you felt all year, Frosty Flakes."

Bobby said nothing. The truth hurt and tasted like dog breath. "Hmm..."

"'Hmm' what?"

Bobby shook his head. "Nothing ... just ... one of my old girlfriends used to have the worst morning breath--"

"Opal?"

"Jubilee, I'm not going to name names--"

"It was Opal, wasn't it?"

"I've had other girlfriends besides Opal, Jubilee."

"But the dog-breathed one was Opal, right?"

Bobby said nothing. The truth hurt and Opal had dog breath.


	7. God er Dog, pt 7

****

**Standard Mice Disclaimer**

Mice is in no way associated with the Marvel Comics Group. She is merely trying to write a story and this is all she has to show for it. A noble effort. Though she would one day like to be paid for writing, please don't send her any money (send mail to urmonkeyifudo@yeahright.com on instructions to send her money). The characters of Bobby Drake, Hank McCoy and Jubilee, belong to the Marvel Comics Group. Holland, Jacob, Bert, Cliff, Hollis, Annie, Gary, and Nan are of my own mind. Any archiving of this story that is unaware of her attention will be ily received (Read: Tikki Curse). If you e-mail her, explain your intentions to archive the story and address of your archive, she will be more than gracious and will probably do something nice for you, like bake you brownies, not to mention archiving the story. She just wants to know where she can drool over the sight of her name. If you want to e-mail her comments, do it at esily@aol.com. You'll also get some brownies out of the deal, but it's not really that great of a reward because she can't cook. 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

God ... er, Dog

By Mice

Chapter 6

Peaches began to pace back in forth methodically in her family's restaurant, O! Alligria. There were many people there preparing the place for the wake for her best friend's brother, but the anxiety she was feeling was not from the fact that there were roughly thirty gorgeous looking guys that were all happily gay, but from the fact she couldn't understand what was going through Holland Bass's mind. "Your mother actually came back and you actually went to see her?!"

A tiny smile appeared on Holland's face as she helped line up the chairs. "Well, she never lived here, so there was never any here to come back to."

Peaches approached her. "Well..."

Holland began to walk away as nonchalantly as possible. "Well...?"

"Holly!" Peaches grabbed her best friend's arm and looked her in the eyes. "Has your father seen her? Gilberto?"

Holland shook her head.

"I understand," Peaches nodded and added in a hopeful voice, "She probably feels a little remorseful after all these years and--"

Holland laughed. "Oh, I wish."

Peaches let her friend go, but not the topic. "So ... how did things go with your mother? I see you got your hair cut; it looks ... good?" Peaches' smile was almost convincing.

"It was her idea. I mean, you couldn't believe the gall of this woman! She calls me from almost out of the blue to pick her up at the airport, then proceeds to ridicule every aspect of my life and I have to leave, like, NOW to go to Malibu to pick her up for this! God, what a bitch..."

"Holly!"

"I'm sorry, Peaches ... 'Golly, what a bitch.'"

"Better."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bobby began to pick through his grandfather's closet for something to wear. It wasn't that he didn't bring anything to wear, he just managed to bring something that Cliff wouldn't approve of him wearing. Apparently, a pair of khaki Dockers with a white dress shirt and tie wasn't going to cut it.

"Leave it to Cliff to specify white tie for this thing..."

"It has got to be a crime to look this good!"

Bobby cringed at hearing Jubilee proclaiming this. He was afraid of the neon monstrosity that he was about to subject his eyes to.

"Well, Bobby, don't keep me in suspense, how do I look?!"

Bobby turned his head slowly, eyes still closed as all the different possibilities ran through his head. Pink and green zebra stripes. Purple leather leopard print. Neon purple grapes on a short, red dress. Bobby, assuring himself that he already thought of the worst of possibilities, finally opened his eyes. "Oh my..."

Jubilee casted her eyes down. "You don't like it? I'll admit, it's not my normal style, but--"

Bobby smiled and hugged his friend who was no longer a girl but a nymph in a dress of yellow chiffon. "Jubilee, I've never seen you look more lovely."

Jubilee, glad Bobby couldn't see her face at the moment, blushed. "Uh ... thank you ... Frosty."

Bobby released her and went back to the closet. "Now, I need to find a suit in here ... want to help me look?"

Jubilee bounced to the closet doors, ran a white gloved hand across the suits until her hand stopped at a black jacket. She pulled it out and handed it to Bobby. "This is the one you are going to wear."

Bobby looked at the shirt that was with the jacket. "No way."

"C'mon, Bobby, you'll look great!"

"Jubilee, that shirt is pink!"

"So?"

"I don't wear pink! Men do NOT wear pink!"

"John Travolta wore a similar tux in _Grease_!"

"Still, Jubilee ... it's **pink**..."

Jubilee sighed and put it back into the closet. "All right, what's your favorite color?"

"Blue."

Jubilee pulled out another suit. "Will you wear this one?"

Bobby's eyes went wide in giddy delight. "Will I?!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Holland grumbled as she went up the elevator to get her mother. "'Why, Holly, honey, Ah jest can't take a filthy ol' cab ta somewhere Ah've nevah been ta -- all of the cabbies are so filthy and wouldn't think twice about raping me, so ya just HAVETA come out ta Malibu and pick me up because Ah couldn't let a dainty thing like mahself stay in a Mexcan town like Santa Monica...'" Holly snorted as the elevator bell rang. "Bitch." She found her mother's suite and knocked.

The door flew open and Hollis unleashed a bright smile. "Holly, honey!"

Holland found it in herself to smile. "Hi, Mom!"

"Is that what we're wearing?"

Holland shifted her weight and straightened out her light pink dress. "Well, I am at least."

Hollis frowned for a bit. "Well, see, honey, there's a problem with that..."

Holland squinted and looked at her dress. "What? It's perfect, it's light for the weather and--"

Hollis laughed. "No, honey, there's not a problem with the dress, but it has one with you. It looks awful. Come in here, honey, and Ah'm sure Ah have something big enough to fit you!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nan Bass held her head in her hands as she saw her grandson. "Of all the tux's that were in there, Robert..."

"I think it looks sharp, Nan!" Jubilee squealed.

Nan made her way over to Bobby and looked at the tux closer. "Well ... the powder blue does brings out your eyes..."

Jubilee elbowed her friend. "Hey, maybe you can pick up one of Cliff's swinging single friends!"

Bobby began to smile before remembering just how few of Cliff's friends were women.

Nan's eyes flew wide. "Robert -- You're a fairy?!"

Bobby shook his head. "No, no! I mean...not that there's anything wrong with being a fairy ... or being gay, I'm sure they're both nice ways to live, but, uh, no, no!!"

Jubilee rolled her eyes. "Whatever, Stinkerbell."

"Methinks the fairy protest too much," Nana giggled.

"I am NOT--" Bobby stopped in midwhine. "That's not very PC, Nana."

Nan groaned. "Robert, I am 76 years old and stuck in my ways. Believe me, son, if I wanted to be derogatory to homosexuals, I can do a lot worse than calling them fairies. But I don't because they don't deserve it. If the Politically Correct Police want to come after me for calling some friend of Dorothy a fairy, let them waste their money and energy, while all the while, another hate crime is being committed or someone's right to marry someone else is being denied. Calling someone a politically correct name isn't going to cause world peace."

"But, Nana, it's a start--"

"It's retarded! Robert, you can't tell me that you insist that amongst friend you be called, 'Homo-Superior American'?"

Bobby shook his head.

"And you know why? Because it's stupid! When my mother and father came here, they didn't insist on being called 'Jewish-American', being an American was a joy in itself. When did being just an American become such a dull thing?

"Now Billie, where is my sheet music?"


	8. God er Dog, pt 8

****

**Standard Mice Disclaimer**

Mice is in no way associated with the Marvel Comics Group. She is merely trying to write a story and this is all she has to show for it. A noble effort. Though she would one day like to be paid for writing, please don't send her any money (send mail to urmonkeyifudo@yeahright.com on instructions to send her money). The characters of Bobby Drake, Hank McCoy and Jubilee, belong to the Marvel Comics Group. Holland, Jacob, Bert, Cliff, Hollis, Annie, Gary, and Nan are of my own mind. Any archiving of this story that is unaware of her attention will be ily received (Read: Tikki Curse). If you e-mail her, explain your intentions to archive the story and address of your archive, she will be more than gracious and will probably do something nice for you, like bake you brownies, not to mention archiving the story. She just wants to know where she can drool over the sight of her name. If you want to e-mail her comments, do it at esily@aol.com. You'll also get some brownies out of the deal, but it's not really that great of a reward because she can't cook. 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

God ... er, Dog

By Mice

Chapter 8

Gene Ginsberg sat himself at the piano. "Now, uh..."

"Jentelle; soft J, outrageous elle."

Gene coughed. "Jentelle, yes. What song are you going to be doing for our Cliff?"

"Well, my selection for tonight will be 'Enough is Enough.'"

"I'm going to go out on a limb and say that you're gay, am I correct?"

Jentelle nodded and smiled brightly. "What gave me away?"

"Pink midriff?"

Jentelle laughed and patted his tummy. "Well, Britney said, "If you have it, flaunt it!""

"Did she?"

"Or something like that..."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hank McCoy busily licked his fingers clean in the privacy of his lab. The Great Twinkie Famine of 2000 had been some hard times, but now, he was reaping the rewards in the form of golden sponge cake and creamy filling.

A giggle broke his meditative process. "Oh, if Dateline could see the world famous Dr. Hank McCoy now!"

Hank wiped his fingers on his lab coat. "Actually, Stone Phillips is an even bigger Twinkie lover than yours truly."

Annie pursed her lips, placed her hands on her hips, and began to tap her foot in mock amusement.

Hank grinned. "Now, my dear Miss Peckenpaugh, I'd like to think that you tore yourself away from your studies for more than to tease this old man."

"Oh, listen to you! About to turn thirty-one--"

Hank took off his glasses and looked her in the eyes. "Annie?"

Annie's face went blank. "Oh, that's right, I came in here to talk to you."

Hank nodded. "About?"

Annie pursed her lips again in frustration. "I can't say I remember, exactly..."

Hank laughed.

Annie narrowed her eyes. "Are you ever going to get past this whole laughing at me thing?"

"Forgive me, Annie, but I have always held it in my firmest belief that God didn't set out to be the creator of a universe but a comedian. It explains you perfectly.

Annie nervously began to play with the strings of her red hooded sweatshirt, bowing her head. "I'm not all that funny..."

Hank smiled at her. "I think you are."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nan honked the horn once more. "If he isn't here in one minute, I'm driving."

With fifteen seconds to spare, a powder blue-clad Bobby came out of the house, and Jubilee was able to let go of the nervous breath she held. "So, Bobby, you get to talk ta Big Blue?"

"Na, just got Annie again." Bobby rolled his eyes as he put on his seat belt. "Hank'll never get the message."

"Why's that?"

Bobby sighed. "Jubilee, what do you know about Annie Peckenpaugh?"

"She's a hick."

"I don't think you can be a hick if you come from Wyoming."

"And I don't think you can be a good driver and go on about some hick from Wyoming, Robert," Nana huffed.

Jubilee mentally thanked Nan before going on. "Take it from someone who's actually lived on the west side of the country, okay you lame excuse for a pudding pop? The only people who are not hicks in the west are the ones whose state borders the Pacific, okay? So, you got your Oregon, your Washington, and your California, okay? Not hicks, okay?

"Now, Idaho, Colorado, Arizona, New Mexico, Utah, Montana, and Wyoming? HICKS. Okay?"

Bobby tapped his hands nervously on the steering wheel and looked to Nan to see what she thought. Nan caught his eye. "She's a hick, Robert, now pay attention the road!"

"Okay! Well, then...besides from being a 'hick'--"

"I heard those quote marks, Drake!"

"Nana, did I--"

"YES, Robert, YES! Now, will you pay attention to the road?"

Bobby rolled his eyes for the millionth time that day. "All right, all right. Jubilee, I'll tell you later." The car was dead silent until Bobby reached for the radio.

Nan slapped his hand. "No radio, it's distracting."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jentelle paced nervously in the restaurant. "Gary, have you seen Chad?"

Gary shook his head and held up his dog. "I'm more concerned about who put this sweater on Lucy," Gary narrowed his eyes. "As should the person who did it..."

Gary began to walk off, but Jentelle followed. "You don't understand, I'm doing a duet for Cliff, and Chad is going to be Barbara! You can't do 'Enough is Enough' with just Donna, it's a battle of divas!"

"Which is why you got Chad to do it?" Gary stated flatly.

"Underneath that straight laced accountant is a woman just waiting to get out!"

Gary began to rub his temples and plastered a smile on his face as he went over to his grandfather. "Pop, this is going to be the death of me!"

Gene turned to his grandson and put a frail arm on his shoulder. "But they're your friends, too, Gary..."

"I know, I know," Gary groaned. "But with Cliff--"

"He calmed you down?" Gene finished for him.

"Yeah," he added softly. "Don't know if you noticed, but the one thing all our friends have in common is that they're all high strung--"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T WANT TO DO IT?!" Jentelle screamed at a middle aged man in a brown business suit.

"Now, honey, I understand that you're upset, but the dress you pulled out for me is just too revealing!"

"But it looks good on you!"

Gary held his hands up in defeat.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Holland walked into the restaurant with her mother dragging her. "Mom, this dress is tight--"

"And is that any way ta thank me for helping you look simply beautiful?"

Holland smiled. "You think I look pretty?"

"If you'd stop complaining and suck in your stomach, yes."

Holland began to wish for her grandmother's company.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jacob walked into the restaurant with a feeling of dread. He knew his son was gay and he was as proud of him as he always was, "But do I have to be proud of an entire room?"

Jentelle rushed over to him. "Hi, there, honey! Listen, you wouldn't happen to be a fan of Barbara's, would you?"

Jacob narrowed his eyes. "Is that what you people are calling yourselves these days?"

Jentelle huffed her chest and ran to another man who was milling around.

"Hi, there, Mr. Bass!"

Jacob turned around to find the ever perky Peaches. "Well, Peaches Ann Herb, will you look at you! Last time I saw you, you were just graduating high school! What are you doing now?"

Peaches motioned to the restaurant. "I took over the family business, and I must say that it is doing extremely well, though I know how it could do better, of course..."

"And how is that?"

"You could convince that best friend of mine and daughter of yours that she should work for me!"

Jacob's face went blank. "Not to cook, right?"

Peaches smiled. "I'm not even that naive, Mr. Bass!"

"Not to wait tables, you know what a short temper she has, Peaches!" Jacob whispered.

"Now you're just trying to make me laugh!" Peaches grinned. "Mr. Bass, I'm talking about Holly singing here."

Jacob nodded slowly. "She would do so well at that..."

"I could work around her schedule with Gilberto and I could pay her well, not to mention the tips! You should see what our current singer gets and, not to be a meany or anything, she's really, really stinky." Peaches latched on to one of Jacob's arms. "Please, Mr. Bass! She won't listen to me!"

"I'll see what I can do, Peaches." Jacob gave the girl a hug when he saw his daughter and wife walk in. "Oh my..." he said softly.

Hollis caught Jacob's eye and hurried to a seat. Holland came over towards him. "Hi, Dad."

Jacob smiled sadly. "The dress your mother's?"

Holland nodded. "It's nice, right?"

"Your mother has good taste," Jacob added wistfully. "How is she, Holly? Do you think she'd let me talk to her?"

"I ... well, I don't know -- oh no."

"What is it, Holly?"

"Nana just walked in."

Jacob's mouth went dry and excused himself to go to the bathroom.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Whoa, look at Jacob bolt to that bathroom!"

"Nana, that's not a very nice thing to say..."

"Robert, that's the privilege of old age. When you get here, you can be as rude as you want and still get 10% off your dinner at Denny's every Tuesday."

"Still don't think it's fair to make fun of Uncle Jacob ... you know how he hates confrontation ... he's nervous about what'll happen when you see ... her," Bobby said unsteadily for he himself didn't know what he was going to do upon seeing ... her.

Just then, someone grabbed Bobby by the arm and hauled him off.

Bobby turned around and saw his cousin, nervously biting her lip. "Holland! What is it why--" Bobby interrupted himself as he realized exactly where he was. "I can't be in the ladies room!"

Holland rolled her eyes. "Bobby, there are exactly five women here who can truthfully call themselves that, and only one of them is in here. It's all right."

Bobby grunted. "All right then, why did you want to speak to me?

Holland bit her lip. "I'm conflicted."

"You're just now realizing this?"

Holland stamped her foot. "Bobby, I'm being serious!" Holland took a deep breath before beginning again. "Bobby ... I'm beginning to hate Mom."

"I don't want to sound repetitive, but--"

Holland held up her arms in defense. "I know, I know, I know! I have no real right to be angry at her, but she makes me so made sometimes, and that just makes me feel guilty! I HATE feeling guilty!"

Bobby blinked a few times before finding the appropriate answer. "Huh?"

"Bobby, I have no reason to feel all this rage against her!"

"'No rage?' Holland, are you forgetting that she abandoned you--"

Holland placed a hand over Bobby's mouth to quiet him. "Bobby, I know why she left. Daddy told me a long time ago."

Bobby's eyes blazed as Holland released her hand from his mouth. "And you're not raising any hell about it? You, out of all people?!"

"I can't blame her, Bobby. I actually look up to her because of it!"

Bobby went to the wall and banged his head on it before returning to the conversation. "I can't believe you, Holland! You know what she did is wrong!"

Holland placed her hands on her hips and restrained herself from getting into a fist fight with her cousin. "It was her patriotic duty!"

Bobby raged. "To sleep with my father?!"

Holland's face softened as Bobby's soft echo lingered in the ladies room. "What?" she cried out in a meek voice.

Bobby's eyebrows knitted together in confusion. "I thought you said you knew, I..." Bobby's voice trailed off in a vain search to make sense out of it all.

Holland shook her head. "It's not true, Bobby, that's a lie! Why would my mother--" Holland shook her head more violently. "No. Whoever told you that was lying!"

"Holland," Bobby began in a low, even voice. "No one told me."

"Huh?"

"I ... I saw them."

"But it can't be true! You must have been dreaming and thought it was real and--"

Bobby shrugged his shoulders uncomfortably. "That's what I thought for the longest, Holland, but my father and I talked about it recently ... it was no hallucination, it was real."

Holland began to pace around, trying to understand. "But Dad said she had to go into the witness protection program because she had testified against some Mafia people, and that's why we moved and she went away ... I never thought that or could ever think..." Holland began to cry. Bobby pulled out a pale blue handkerchief from his pocket and handed it to her to dry her eyes, though when she looked up to speak to him, they were still wet.

"That bitch. All these years I thought that she was a good person. I let her back into my life so goddamn easily because I thought she was a good person. Bobby, I let her cut my hair and boss me around about my clothes and life and other assorted shit because I thought she was a good person. I--" Holland closed her eyes. "That bitch."

Bobby took Holland's hand and helped clean her face. "Holl, don't do anything rash yet, all right?" Holland turned away from her cousin. "Holland!"

"Bobby..." Holland began in a weak voice. "I always thought that my mother loved me and if she could be with me, she would. I thought the least I could do for her now, when she came back to me, was to love her unconditionally they way she did ... the way I thought she did..." Holland slid her way to the floor and began to cry again, and in the tiniest voice that Bobby had ever heard from his roaring lion of a cousin, said, "Why doesn't my mom love me?"

Bobby helped her clean up once more and they made their way out of the bathroom.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

After making sure that Bobby and his cousin had left, Jubilee unlocked the stall door she was in and finally began to breathe regularly again, staring at the room in awe of what had just transpired.


	9. God er Dog, pt 9

****

**Standard Mice Disclaimer**

Mice is in no way associated with the Marvel Comics Group. She is merely trying to write a story and this is all she has to show for it. A noble effort. Though she would one day like to be paid for writing, please don't send her any money (send mail to urmonkeyifudo@yeahright.com on instructions to send her money). The characters of Bobby Drake, Hank McCoy and Jubilee, belong to the Marvel Comics Group. Holland, Jacob, Bert, Cliff, Hollis, Annie, Gary, and Nan are of my own mind. Any archiving of this story that is unaware of her attention will be ily received (Read: Tikki Curse). If you e-mail her, explain your intentions to archive the story and address of your archive, she will be more than gracious and will probably do something nice for you, like bake you brownies, not to mention archiving the story. She just wants to know where she can drool over the sight of her name. If you want to e-mail her comments, do it at esily@aol.com. You'll also get some brownies out of the deal, but it's not really that great of a reward because she can't cook. 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

God ... er, Dog

By Mice

Chapter 9

Hollis rose to her feet as she saw her daughter coming toward her with red puffy eyes. "Holly, honey, Ah know all of this is sad an'all, but you look horrible."

Holland nodded weakly as she took her seat. She looked for her cousin who gave her support from across the room with a nod and a smile as Jubilee was advancing

towards him.

"Yo ... Bobby. How's it hanging?"

Bobby raised his eyebrows. "What do you know, Jubilee?"

"I know nothing, just that I'm here with my good friend, Bobby Drake!" Jubilee smiled, gave him a hug and a punch on his shoulder. "Buddypal!"

Bobby looked at Jubilee like she had a third arm growing out of her forehead. "Who in the hell says 'buddypal'? Jubilee, you know something, now what is it?"

Jubilee groaned. "I'm sorry, Bobby..."

"For...?"

Jubilee clasped her hands behind her back and began to rock back and forth in her shoes. "I was kinda-sorta-not-really-at-all-inadvertantly eavesdropping in the bathroom when--"

Bobby swallowed hard. "You heard me and Holland talk, didn't you?"

Jubilee nodded slowly.

"It's all right, Jubilee."

"I'm really sorry, Bobby, I didn't mean to, I just--"

"Jubilee," Bobby smiled. "I understand. I know you're not a 24-hour sneak."

Jubilee grinned. "Thanks, Bobby ... and if you want to talk about--"

Bobby shook his head. "Not yet, Jubilee ... I want to get through with all of this, first..."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Excuse me, but you're Cliff's sister, right?"

Holland nodded as her mother clutched her purse in horror. "Jentelle, right?"

"You got the accent right and everything, right on, girl!" Jentelle snapped her fingers. "Listen, I'm in a bit of a jam..."

"Ah think you're in more than jam, honey," Hollis bit at the drag queen.

Holland gave Jentelle an apologetic look before continuing the conversation. "What do you need?"

"Do you sing?"

Holland made a face. "I can carry a tune..."

Jentelle clapped her hands. "Good enough for me! I need someone to sing Barbara's part in 'Enough is Enough' with me!"

"I love that song!" Holland shrieked as she got up.

"Holly, honey, please don't make a fool out of yourself--"

"Mom, I--!"

"Holly, Ah'm just sayin'--"

Nan approached Holland, pushing Hollis out of her way. "What in the blazing hell--?"

Nan disregarded Hollis and spoke directly at Holland. "What seems to be the problem?"

Holland bit her lip. "Jentelle wants me to sing with her..."

Nan grinned. "That's the first sensible thing you've said all week, Jacqueline!"

Hollis composed herself retook her place beside her daughter. "Now just one minute, here, Hannah Bass! Don't you encourage her and don't call her that name!"

Nan smiled at Hollis's overreaction and remained calm. In fact, she was smiling. "I wouldn't have to call her that if she didn't have such a horrible name to begin with. Who names their child Holland?"

"Ah do, for one!" Hollis fumed. "And calling her that name ... 'Jacqueline' ... after the wife of that Democratic ass--"

"No," Nan sharply interrupted. "After my favorite Charlie's Angel, Jacqueline Smith."

Holland blushed and let a small smile escape. "Really?"

Hollis began to laugh. "My God, Hannah, you are going senile! Her name is **Jaclyn** Smith!"

Jubilee stormed in and stood by Nan's side. "Listen here you corn shucking, cousin marrying, tobacco chewing nut job, don't you call the lady senile!"

Hollis made a face. "First with the fags, and now with the goddamn Japs..."

Jubilee's went red and was getting ready to step forward when Holland spoke up. "She's Chinese, **Mother**."

Hollis looked at her daughter in disgust. "Don't talk back ta me, honey--"

"Don't tell me how to talk, you fucking whore!"

Jubilee and Nan's eyes went wide and stepped back.

Hollis's mouth dropped slightly, and said in a soft voice, "Holly...?"

"Hollis," Jacob broke in. "I don't think that you should be here."

Nan took Holland into her arms and motioned to Jubilee to leave to give Jacob and Hollis some privacy.

After they were gone, Hollis finally spoke, never looking at Jacob, being afraid of what she might see and afraid to let him see her so emotional. "He was mah son, Jacob..."

Jacob nodded solemnly. "That may be, Hollis, but you are not his mother, not after what you did." Jacob took a deep breath. "I don't know why you even came here. Were you here when Holland and Cliff graduated high school? When Holland was pregnant?"

Hollis's jaw tightened as she struggled with her words. "Ah'm sorry Ah missed those events--"

Jacob shook his head. "But it's not just that, Hollis! You didn't just miss those events, but you missed everything! What did you expect to find when you got back here, Hollis? Did you think we'd be happy to see you?"

Her lip trembled dangerously. "Holly was--"

Jacob looked at his wife, and with a grave voice replied, "I never told Holland why you left, I made up a story so she and her brother could be proud of you instead of ashamed and hurt."

Hollis closed her eyes to steady herself. "Jacob, Ah am ashamed of what Ah did to you and the kids, but Ah couldn't stand living like that! Ah never wanted ta get married and settled down--"

"Then why did you marry me at all?!" Jacob bellowed, unafraid.

"Ah was scared, Jacob!" Hollis began to sniffle. "Ah think Ah should go, now..."

"No." Jacob grabbed his wife by the arm and spoke sharply. "You are **not** going to run out on us again."

"Jacob, Ah don't belong here, this is for family..."

"And, damn it, we were a family once!" Jacob took a moment to calm himself down. "You came back to say good-bye to your son, right?"

Hollis nodded.

"Then stay."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Daddy, how are you feeling?"

Jacob Bass trembled as he began to drink a glass of water. "I'm getting better ... I feel better..."

Holland nodded. "I don't think I've ever seen you that angry..."

Jacob smiled. "Felt good to finally let all that out."

Holland bit her lip. "Dad ... do you think that I--"

Jacob quickly put down his water and kissed his daughter on the forehead, already knowing her fears. "Holland, you'll never be her."

"But I am her daughter--"

"But you're not her. You are doing a great job with Bert and you would never desert any of us, no matter how much we drive you up a wall."

Holland nodded, trying to focus on the positive. "You know what, Dad?"

"What, Pork Chop?"

"I think I heard Nana give me a compliment ... in her own weird way..."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Mom, is that you?"

Madeline Drake sighed over the telephone. "No, Bobby, it's the maid."

Bobby rolled his eyes. "Hi, Mom."

"What's going on, son?"

"Cliff's wake is about to begin."

"And what are you wearing?"

Bobby blinked. "Wouldn't you rather know how Nan or Jacob or doing?"

"Bobby, don't change the subject on me."

"A blue tux."

"Not my father's powder blue tux, Bobby."

Bobby was temporarily astounded at his mother's low level telepathy. "Nan likes it."

"Oh, so her word is everything now? Who gave birth to you, hmm?"

"You did, Mom..."

"Don't forget that, Bobby. Now, how's Mom, Jacob, the others?"

"Nan is doing good--"

"Her and the girl still fighting?"

"Like cats and dogs."

"Good, good ... Jacob?"

"Uhm..." Bobby looked to his uncle from his perch at the pay phone. "He looks well ... considering."

"Considering what, Bobby, what aren't you telling me?"

Bobby cleared his throat. "Well, Aunt Hollis is--" Bobby tore his ear away from the phone as he heard something break. "Mom?!"

"Sorry, Bobby, you know how I feel about her."

"I know, Mom."

"I can't believe the way she treated Jacob. I warned her that harlot would be nothing but trouble, ever since he met her, but did he listen to me? No. And look at him now, miserable--"

"Actually, he looks quite happy right now, Mom--"

"Don't interrupt me, Bobby!" Maddy took a breath before continuing. "I just don't know how he could have picked a trollop like that. If your father ever did anything like that so-called wife of his did ... oh, I just don't know!"

Bobby swallowed. "I don't think you have to worry about that, Mom."

Maddy laughed over the phone. "Oh, I know that, Bobby! I'm just saying ... oh, nevermind. It's not something I want to bother continuing. Would you like to talk to your father?"

"No, Mom, I've got to get going; this thing is getting ready to begin."

"All right, Bobby. I love you, son."

"Love you, too, Mom." Bobby slowly hung up the phone and stared at it for while before going to sit down.


	10. God er Dog, pt 10 Last Chapter

****

**Standard Mice Disclaimer**

Mice is in no way associated with the Marvel Comics Group. She is merely trying to write a story and this is all she has to show for it. A noble effort. Though she would one day like to be paid for writing, please don't send her any money (send mail to urmonkeyifudo@yeahright.com on instructions to send her money). The characters of Bobby Drake, Hank McCoy and Jubilee, belong to the Marvel Comics Group. Holland, Jacob, Bert, Cliff, Hollis, Annie, Gary, and Nan are of my own mind. Any archiving of this story that is unaware of her attention will be ily received (Read: Tikki Curse). If you e-mail her, explain your intentions to archive the story and address of your archive, she will be more than gracious and will probably do something nice for you, like bake you brownies, not to mention archiving the story. She just wants to know where she can drool over the sight of her name. If you want to e-mail her comments, do it at esily@aol.com. You'll also get some brownies out of the deal, but it's not really that great of a reward because she can't cook. 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

God ... er, Dog

By Mice

Chapter 10

Bobby loosened the bow tie that was crushing his neck and undid his belt before crashing onto his bed. He left the room in total darkness so he wouldn't catch a glance himself in one of the many mirrors that were staring down at him.

Bobby shouted one last time to anyone who might be in the house. No one. Satisfied, Bobby stared up at the ceiling. "It's okay, Bobby, no one's home. You can cry now..."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"No sign of him yet, Mrs. Bass!"

"Keep looking, boy! Bert should be around here somewhere!"

Hollis cautiously approached Nan from where she stood. "Mrs. Bass--"

"Yes?"

"Ah just wanted to say good-bye..."

"I don't think I'm the one you should be saying that to, Miss Lubbock."

Hollis looked down. "No one's called me that in a long while..."

Nan nodded. "Not since I saw you at your eighth anniversary party. You would have heard it more, but you left soon after that."

"Mrs. Bass, Ah'm sorry about what Ah did ta your son--"

"It's not so much what you did to my son. I knew that was going to happen, not that it makes it any more forgivable. But the fact that you had go and try to hurt my Maddy as well makes me sick and glad that I never had more children for you to hurt."

"It was never mah intention ta hurt Madeleine. And now, Ah just want ta try and amend things--"

"Why?" Nan snapped.

Hollis's lip quivered. "Ah'm gettin' on in years, Mrs. Bass. Ah have a grandson and Ah want ta get ta know him--"

"Well, it's a little late to get maternal now."

Hollis closed her eyes. "Ah know what Ah did was wrong and horrible, but it's not really unforgivable, is it?"

Nan's eyes blazed. "You have to ask that? Of course it is unforgivable!"

"Ah don't think you're being fair!"

"I didn't kill you on sight and I'm not trying to kill you now, I think that I'm being more than fair!"

"Ah'm asking you as a grandmother, let me see mah grandson!"

"You're asking me to let you see your grandson?" Nan flared. "After you ruined my Jacob, he moved clear across the country, taking two of my grandchildren away from me! And then when I decided to move to see them more, I had to leave my other grandson behind! And you expect pity from me? What else do you want, a kidney?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bobby patted his head absentmindedly while trying to give the floodgates a jump-start. "...Onions ... the Yankees losing ... Yankees losing to the Padres..."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Van Damme, Paige Guthrie, your leather bag is fine! ... YES, it's going to get back to -- YES I'm using it as carry on ... oh, come on, Guthers, you don't think I'm so stupid as to do -- What do you mean you think I am?! ... Paige ... Paige ... PAIGE! I have to go, okay? I'll be back tomorr -- for the millionth time, NO, I'm not bringing anything that'll make guard dogs rip it to shreds! Good-bye!" Jubilee slammed the receiver back onto the pay phone. "God, she can be such a anal wench!"

A man stopped in his tracks. "Did you say anal wrench?"

Jubilee's eyes flew wide. "No ... I said wench'..."

The man smiled. "Good. You do NOT want to mess with those things!"

Jubilee's jaw dropped as the man walked away. "I think I'm going to be sick..."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nan put a hand on her shoulder. "If you had come back within a year after you left and tried to make some amends, maybe it would work, but not know. It's too late."

"Ah was afraid ta come back! You and Maddy were raising so much hell--"

Nan's hand turned from a tender touch to a death grip. "Look, Miss Lubbock," she growled. "My Maddy has no clue about what happened between you and Drake. Now, you have two choices. You can walk out of this restaurant and right back out of our lives, or I can tell my Maddy everything--"

Hollis grew pale. "All right, Mrs. Bass, Ah'll go." 

Nan nodded as she placed her hand back into her lap. "That's what I thought. I'm glad we could come to an understanding."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"...losing the part of Marvin the Menorah to Shermie in the Hanukkah pageant and having to be Lawrence the Latke ... being a latke ... never making the varsity baseball team ... getting a swirlie everyday in the sixth grade ... never being able to climb the rope in gym class ... never making the junior varsity baseball team..."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Holland looked to the back seat where her son sat with Gary's beagle, Lucy. Both were sleeping and softly snoring together. "Thank you for giving us a ride, Gary."

Gary smiled tiredly. "Not a problem, Holland."

"I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate what you said about my brother--"

"I meant every word, Holland," Gary rushed. "I loved him very much."

Holland bit her lip. "I'm still trying to understand that, Gary..."

"I know that it's hard for you to accept that Cliff was gay--"

Holland rolled her eyes and snapped. "It's not just that--"

Gary hit the steering wheel with his palm. "Then what is it, Holland?"

Holland closed her eyes and licked her lips. "I'm jealous."

Gary blinked. "Repeat that?"

"I'm jealous that my little brother was in love and I've never been. Fuck." Holland bit her lip and faced the window. 

"I take it that's you're way of saying, There, I said it, happy now?'" 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jacob hugged the cold porcelain toilet while leaning his head on the seat. He wanted to go to the sink and wash his face, but his legs had long ago fell asleep and showed no signs of waking up. 

"Jacob?" his wife's voice called out. He could tell by the familiar tap of her heels on the tile floor, something a man in love could never forget. "Are you in here?" 

Jacob remained silent as the tap stopped right before his unlocked stall door. "Jacob, Ah need ta talk to you, are in here?" 

"Yes, Hollis, I'm in here..." 

Hollis opened the stall door and looked at her husband. "Jacob, you are a mess ... can Ah get you a wet paper towel?" 

"Yes..." he growled out. "Please." 

Hollis smiled a bit as she ran the water over the paper towel. "Ah figured you were in here ... Ah remember every time your mother came over for dinner. You two would argue, and afterwards, you'd be in the bathroom, puking your guts out, and Ah'd be there, handing to wet towels to clean you up with, and tell you that it was all right ta stand up for yourself." Hollis kneeled down by Jacob and began to wipe his face. "Just like old times." 

Jacob looked into his wife's eyes as she cleaned him. "I just want to know why, Holl." 

"You know why, Jacob--" 

"Your affairs didn't bother me, Hollis, and you know it." Jacob rested his chin on the lid of the toilet. "You know I loved you. Pathetically." 

Hollis nodded. "And Ah loved you, Jacob--" 

"Then why did you leave?" 

Hollis took a deep breath before picking up Jacob's head off the toilet. "Ah was a failure, Jacob. It was only a matter of time until Ah got caught." 

"'Caught?' Did my mother catch you? My God, Holl, I knew she always suspected you were having affairs, but for her to catch you--" 

Hollis shook her head and smiled. "She didn't catch me. If she did, Ah wouldn't be standing here breathing." Hollis paused as she felt her smile go away. "William's boy did." 

Jacob blinked. "Bobby?" 

Hollis nodded. 

"But he was only seven, how could he have--?" 

"William and Ah were always so careful; the boy had practice from 4:00 ta 5:30 after school and Maddy was always out doing something or other, and that's when ... well, one day, the boy didn't have practice, and came home right after school and saw his father and..." Hollis took a quick breath. "After that, William said that he couldn't do this any more, and Ah felt so bad that Ah confessed everything to your mother. After talking ta her, the choice was obvious." 

Jacob slowly nodded his head. "Why didn't you ever call me, Holl? To talk to me, talk to the kids?" 

"Ah was ashamed ... Ah still am. Ah only came back because Ah thought mah son needed me...Ah should have known that none of you need me now." 

"I do. I still love you, Holl..." 

Hollis slowly and tearfully nodded. "Me, too..." 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"...not getting to be the girls softball manager, varsity and junior varsity ... never making out with Julia Sparks in the ninth grade ... never talking to Julia Sparks in the ninth grade ... talking to Julia Sparks in the tenth grade and finding out she was a lesbian ... realizing later in the tenth grade that Julia Sparks was really heterosexual and thought I was repulsive..." 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Holland, what are you so angry about in life?" Holland jolted in her seat. "Gary, I was this close to falling asleep!" 

"Is it that you resent your son?" 

Holland growled and banged her fist on the dash. "Of course not! I love Gilberto! And who the hell are you to ask me?!" 

"I'm the other pea in your pod, Holland." 

"The HELL--" 

Gary shushed her. "But we're not talking about that. I'm asking you what you are so angry about." 

"I--No!" 

"Holland, you want say it, I can tell. You've been waiting to tell it to someone, and it might as well be me." 

"I don't know if I can..." 

"Holland Bass, you have called me a nigger-ass-whore without blinking, so I seriously doubt that there's precious little that you can't say!" 

Holland felt a faint blush on her cheeks before opening her mouth. "I don't know who Gilberto's father is." 

Gary blinked a few times and smiled. "What?" 

"I said that I don't know who knocked me up, okay?" Holland huffed. "And what's with the smiling, it's fucking freaky!" 

"It's smile therapy. When I have an angry or sad impulse, I smile." 

"Did a shrink tell you to do this? Because if you did, you should really ask for your money back..." 

"No, I got it off of Ally McBeal." 

"Ally McThinMint...ug." Holland folded her arms across her chest and looked out the window. "So ... does it work?" 

"I'm a lot calmer than what I -- wait. We're not done talking about you, Holland. Cliff said that your best friend was the one who--" 

Holland fiddled with the seat belt to try and take the focus off of her. "Yeah. Well, that's not what happened." 

"Then why did you say that he did?" 

"Well, because Andy was safe! I mean, he, uh, went away right after I found out and it was just air tight, you know?" 

Gary wrinkled his brow. "He died, too?" 

"Yeah," Holland snorted. "Another one bites the dust." 

Gary placed his hand over Holland's. "Look, Holland, I know how it is. I've had people leaving me all my life, too. My mom gave me away when I was born and I've been shuffled around from home to temporary home. When I found my real family, only Gene would speak to me. I guess a black relative that they never even thought they had was just a bit too much." 

"But...?" 

Gary squinted. "So what?" 

Holland pursed her lips and huffed. "Aren't you going to say that it's going to get better, and that it's wrong to be so angry or something about sunshine, rainbows, and happy little bunnies?" 

Gary laughed. "Hell, no! I mean, talk about calling the kettle black, Holland, my temper is worse than yours, and my mouth as bad!" 

Holland stared at him. "You're kidding?" 

"Hand to God, Holland, hand to God." 

Holland clucked her tongue. "But you always look so ... calm ... and collected ... and so damn happy..." 

Gary shrugged. "It's a great effort on my part, Holland, believe me. I'm telling you, we're two peas in a pod." 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Nan?" 

"Yes, Billie?" 

"What are those guys doing?" 

"You mean those nicely built young men?" 

"Yeah. What gives?" 

"They're looking for Bert." 

"But Bert split with Holland and Gary." 

Nan grinned. "I know." 

"Then why--" Jubilee stopped herself as one of the well built men bent down to look underneath a table, calling out Bert's name. Jubilee's mouth opened up jest enough for her to let out one sound. "Oh...!" 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"...Grandpa Seth dying ... Dad nearly dying ... Jean dying ... Jean dying again ... thinking Jean had died but was really alive ... thinking Warren was dead ... Warren changing ... Warren not wanting to talk to me anymore..." Bobby slammed his fist into his hand. "Damn it, it's not like you have a lack of things to cry about, so cry already, Drake!" 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Gary was silent for a minute before continuing on. "I know you don't like yourself much, Holland." 

"I-yes-kinda...!" Holland sucked on her lip. "Fine. I'm not happy with my life, but there's no way I can change it overnight!" 

"The hell you can't, Holland!" Gary sighed. "Look, all you have to do is focus on what you like best about it and try to get rid of some of the negativity. What do you like least about your life, Holland?" 

"I ... I can't. Shit, this is horrible..." 

"Say it." 

"No." 

"Say it!" Gary roared. 

"I don't want to live with Nana anymore," Holland squeaked out, eyes wide at Gary's sudden aggression. 

Gary smiled. "Then don't." 

"But I need to take care of her!" 

"Then take care of her, but live elsewhere!" 

"Yeah, I can do that on my non-existent salary!" 

"You could move in with me, then." 

Holland went blank. "What?" 

"I need the company, Holland. You need to get away. And I think we could actually be good friends ... don't you?" 

"Well..." Holland fumbled around for something mean and hostile to say, but what came out was the truth. "Yes, I do, but I just can't move like that!" 

"Why not?" 

"Because ... because I can't think of a good reason not to ... fuck." 

Gary grinned. "I'll take it that means that we're going to be the Odd Couple for the millennium!" 

Holland glared. "God, Gary, that word is so twentieth century..." 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"...Cloud rejecting me for Moondragon ... Moondragon ... Moondragon..." Bobby felt something. "Damn, just disgust!" Bobby sighed and continued. "...Lorna..." 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jacob walked out of the bathroom, waving good-bye to his wife. "Well, Mom, Jubilee, are we ready to go?" 

Nan waved her hand to Jacob. "In a minute, son." She cleared her throat and spoke loudly, "Oh, I'm so sorry boys! My grandson left with his mother earlier ... drat this old memory of mine ... I just get so tired and all that..." 

One of the men came to her side. "Do you need help going to your car, Mrs. Bass?" 

Nan smiled coyly. "Would you help me ... what did you say your name was?" 

"Guy." 

"Yes, George, right. Help me to the car...?" 

Guy looked over to Jubilee and Jacob to make sure it was all right, along with whether or not Nan was all right before going to the parking lot with Nan Bass on his arm. 

"So, Jubilee, are you all packed to go back to school tomorrow?" 

Jubilee shook her head. "I still have some time left..." 

"Your plane leaves at six a.m....!" 

Jubilee nodded. "Uh huh, six hours to sleep, pack, shower, eat, get to the airport. Dude, sir, I'm golden." 

Jacob just shook his head as he watched his wife slink out of the restaurant. 

"You and the bi--wife work everything out?" 

"Well, some ... I think," Jacob stammered. "It's tentative, but, uh, I think it'll turn out all right..." 

"What does your mother think?" 

Jacob let out a small grunt. "What doesn't my mother think?" 

Jubilee smiled. "Exactly ... she's not going to like this..." 

"Mom never liked Hollis at all ... all the time me and her were together, I never got a moment of peace from her." Jacob picked up his coat and opened the door for Jubilee. "But Mom is going to have to learn that there are some things she's just going to have to live with..." 

Jubilee nodded. "Just as long as you have a toilet nearby." 

"**Precisely**." 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"...Opal ... Opal's fashion sense ... Opal's art ... Opal's idea of a good time ... Opal's love of a solo David Lee Roth ... loving Opal ... Opal not loving me ... Opal calling me shallow ... Opal calling me an immature jerk ... Opal calling me an immature jerk in front of people ... Opal telling me that I neglected her ... Opal neglecting me ... Opal telling me that I meant nothing to her ... Opal telling me she never loved me ... finding out that Opal cheated on me ... never getting over Opal..." Bobby finally felt a wetness in his eyes and began to let it all out. 

"Bobby?" Jubilee knocked on the door. Jubilee entered after there was no answer. "Bobby, are you in here?" 

Bobby brought himself to a sitting position on his bed and quickly dried his eyes. "I was taking a nap, Jubilee..." 

Jubilee crossed her arms. "If that's what you'd like to call it. Is it?" 

Bobby shook his head in the darkness. 

"Do you want me to leave you alone?" 

Bobby shook his head again. 

Jubilee sat herself next to Bobby on the bed placed a hand on his back as Bobby brought his head to his hands. 

------------------------------------------------------------------------


End file.
